Man Indirectly Refers to his Masculinity by Remarking About his “Big Penis”

Just this last Thursday night, after everyone had gotten off of work, a man at a local bar made a foggy and indirect remark towards his masculinity, by talking about how absolutely ginormous his dick was. 

Unlike the indirect nature of the comment about his manhood, it was made painfully obvious that this statement was an attempt to impress, and hopefully lead to fornication with, one or more of the young women who were also at said bar, out drinking with their friends.

“It really came out of no where,” spoke one of the young women who partook of the nights shenanigans, “we we’re just drinking altogether, minding our own business, and this guy came from the other side of the bar and busted into our group like it was no big deal.”

That’s what she said.

The remark was made after the man consumed three Four Horsemen, two Liquid Marijuana’s, a Four Loco, a Smirnoff, and a mixed shot of Everclear and Jack Daniels- within a two hour period.

After the man was done shouting spastically about the supposedly well endowed nature of his member, and received little to no response from the rest of the bar, he returned to his original station and continued drinking.

“Well, I can’t say this doesn’t happen that often,” explained the Bartender, “Every other week or so we might get a random straggler here yappin’ off  about the size of his jimmy. There’s no real profile to match up with these guys, just that they’re all guys.”

A morose Psychology Professor who happened to be at the scene of the crime was later reached for comment.

“Shit like this doesn’t much impress anyone anymore,” gloomed the long haired, ex-hippy Psych teacher, “The only thing it does is remind us Psychologists that Freud was right about somethings, which implies he might be right about other things, which just makes us feel uncomfortable.”

The shouting man was later found by the janitor, unconscious, face first in one of the urinals, and could not be reached for comment- but it is assumed that no fornication was had.

People Go to Wall Street to Show Off Their Signs

People showed up to Wall Street to stand around and hold a sign. Not just any kind of sign though;  a funny sign. Maybe a sign with a pun, possibly eluding to ‘something more’ in terms of layers of meaning- with a dick joke in it, even.

Everyone wanted everyone else to know about their sign. If the signs weren’t funny, they were really vague. If they weren’t really vague, they had nothing to do with the protest (See “I Shaved my balls for this?!/bring back crystal pepsi!” guy). Most of them were economically or politically orientated. Others, not so much.

Some people made signs that broke the fourth wall and talked about the sign, on the sign. Because, you know, why not?

After they all showed up with their signs, they then took a bunch of pictures of themselves holding their signs, and then put those pictures of them and their signs on the internet. Everyone on the internet couldn’t stop talking about those signs, and how neat they were. They thought they were so neat, that everyone on the internet made their own signs. They were the best signs I had ever seen.

For a second there, the signs made me feel like we got some real work done out there. It was like everyone had there own personal blurb, their own chip on their shoulder, said anything that came to their mind, and that none of the signs had any strict coherence between them as to what course of action should be taken with whatever the hell it was they were all complaining about.

And hell, imagine the huge cleanup bill that the 1% of the rich people are going to have to cover for when everyone goes back home and leaves all their signs and trash in the streets. Wallstreet wont know what hit’em.

The Epistle To The Paranoids

 

Chapter 1, THE EPISTLE TO THE PARANOIDS

–Lord Omar

1. Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear–and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM!

2. Ye have cast out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting that ye’ve been left to fight alone.

3. All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye was sore afraid in dark corners, nooks, and sink holes.

4. O how the darknesses do crowd up, one against the other, in ye hearts! What fear ye more that what ye have wroughten?

5. Verily, verily I say unto you, not all the Sinister Ministers of the Bavarian Illuminati, working together in multitudes, could so entwine the land with tribulation as have yer baseless warnings.

[in video description] The New World Order (or NWO) is a catch all phrase that is used by fear mongering propagandists to captivate people with dread. To many people for to long have been put under a spell with feelings of hopelessness and despair by this fairy tail concept that there is a secret society or race of reptiles out there to get them and their children, and that they are succeeding at doing it. Please show this video to anyone you can to help break the spell of fear placed over those who wish to make this world a better place.

Reality, and Why Men Don’t Understand Her

Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for
a logical universe that makes sense. But the real
universe is always one step beyond logic.

-from “The Sayings of Muad’Dib” by the Princess Irulan

And you *will* know when she's smacked you.

‘Reality’s a bitch, and I heard that she bites,’ is a common, although harsh saying among many of the Domesticated primates of the Planet Earth. I tend to keep from the sexist slurs, and would rather warn people that  she will kindly slap you in the face when she is ignored. If you want to live a full and successful life, you are going to have to pay particularly close attention to reality.

Many people flaunt that they know the whats what about Mother Nature. Her quirks, her favorite color, political and religious preferences, her physical features, and so on and so forth. But at the same time, everyone seems to have a different opinion of Reality, and in turn many people get confused about what Reality wants from them, or who she even is to begin with. Some people don’t think that this is a surprise since reality is a woman, and they hardly ever know what they want to begin with.

Mother Nature's previous Dress.

Anyway, let me give you a prime example on men’s folly in his affair with that beautiful and illustrious women, Reality: Before the easter bunny formally gave birth to Catholocism and after Chuck Norris adopted the seat of passive Deism rather then acting as the reigning God of the world, men had began to ponder much as to the specifics of Realities Physical Nature.  A lot of high ranking men with with Hellenistic swagger once thought, and even drew lots of pretty pictures of Reality as Geo-Centric chick. Hard to imagine, i know, but they really did think that reality was into that kind of thing.

And oh how wrong they were.

Yet this was, indeed the opinion of a lot of  men since the dawn of Father Time (Time being a Casanova in his own right) who thought they knew a thing or two about Reality’s physical features. Some where along that timeline, some douchebag named Pythagoras tried to rock the boat and say Reality was a Heliocentrist. And as right as he was, he was shut down. People thought that his game was off, and would ruin it for the rest of them lest Reality heard the news and be offended. So they stapled him mystical and irrational, threw him off the academic bus, and then based all their musical theory and mathematics off of him for millenia to come.

That’s just how we roll ’round here.

Years later, this guy named Copernicus came along to prove everybody wrong, Mother Nature really did like heliocentricism (or alternatively, changed her mind like any women would). Shortly after, everyone immediately switched up there image of Reality’s make-up, and pretended that nothing happened; realizing that this whole time they had been talking to her about the yankees game, when she wasn’t even a fan of baseball!

Such bad game can do horrible things to your swag and you don’t want to be caught doing it. Fortunately enough for you, you get to learn from the mistakes of past scientists and their silly conjectures.

‘What mistakes’, you may ask? All of them. They all become mistakes eventually. Such is the progress of science.

Realities more *wild* side

But I digress: People then developed this idea that Reality was this straight broad who was ordered and built like a brick house, and started treating her that way too. It wasn’t long before we found out, again, that we were wrong- or at least Mother Nature had switched things up on us. Reality, it seemed, in the most minute and personal corners of her soul, was random, jumpy, and interconnected things in her mind that shouldn’t be connected.

To anyone who knows anything about women, this should not be surprising. But it sure as hell surprised scientists (which should tell you a thing or two about how smart they really are), and to this day, they still don’t quite get it.

In the place of a once solid and stacked and orderly picture of Nature, was now a chaotic and unpredictably non-linear image of her. Shit happens, and sometimes that means something, other times, its doesn’t . Other times, its just ridiculously indeterminate whether a thing means anything or not. The best we can do is try and predict how unpredictable she can be.  Henceforth, Chaos theory, complexity theory, and Non-Linear Dynamics have conquered mans understanding of Reality thus far. Wtf does “Chaos-Complex-Non-Linear-Dynamics” even mean? In short, our best guess about anything is as good as unpredictable chaos and confusion due to mysterious unknown variables unaccounted for in the mind of Nature (sound familiar?). And so far, thats working “well”. And I use that term lightly.

Like we said, Reality can be pretty unpredictable.

But enough about her physical side. An aspect obsessed over by the shallow of heart. What about Reality’s personality?

Good luck with that one, because no one has the same idea of what Reality likes as far as personal preferences go. Anyone who has any sense in them can only come to the conclusion that Reality is a very diverse and dynamic woman who keeps a different attitude and puts on a different face around each and every person or culture. People rage on every singe day with each other about whats Real and whats not. IE, who Reality is and what she prefers: The Obama administration or Bush? String Theory or Copenhagen? Capitalism or Murder?  Brosnan or Connery? Macs or PC’s? Shaken or Stirred? Pro-Wrestling or UFC? The list goes on. Everyone seems to have a very personal account of what Reality likes most, but no one seems to agree on what this is.

This is not Reality

Taken at face value, reality is a very diverse broad indeed. Many people have tried to confine Reality within books called “Encyclopedias” and “Text Books”, and these work well- but  only with one book. Any more than one and accounts clash. Always.

We tried to solve that problem by creating a world encyclopedia that accounted for everything, objectively, and that has become the single most famous joke within academic circles since Post-Modernism.

Many scientists and scholars predict that in the future she will pop out of no where with a surprise and ask you if this this dress makes her look fat, and you will answer in the wrong manner, and you will be sorely punished for it; for hell hath no fury like a womens scorn. Regardless, with all the frustration there is surrounding reality, the search for her true essence continues. Whether or not it will be in vain is up to her, and if she is having a mood swing that day.

Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Don’t worry, I was only hit by a car, broke my arm in the process, and writing is a self loathing and slow process. I shall return!

Grammar Nazism Staunchly Opposed Due to Radical Acts of Violence

(Old Grammar Nazi flag, now retired)

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation back in 1823, it has been sending the ‘less fortunate’ members of society to concentration camps known as “Public School” to mould their minds into a specific shape, where ‘proper’ spelling takes a key role in thought process and daily life.  In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but ‘correctly’. The alternative to this is living a life of poverty. And while this may seem drastic,  many humans who go through grammatical education have no problem spitting on them in the street while they starve, because they forgot to put a period at the end of the classic “Why Lie I? Need a Beer.” sign.

In even more recent years, the practice of Grammar Nazism has received much criticism from the lower class, who are tired of getting spit on, as a result of the world has become more ‘democratized’. This governmental transformation into a more humanistic social structure centered around fairness and equality has given the illiterates the impression that they actually think they deserve a voice.

One event that has brought considerable attention to the nature of such practices was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work: During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing for his boss. At first it was a mere exchange of words; ‘hey,’ he said, ‘you spelt this word here wrong, there’s an apostrophe in it’. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries, a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich, and one of those bulky/oddly put together key chains with a mix of keys and key chain paraphernalia on it.

“It’s a horrible thing to go through, and it’s not the first time this has happened” said the Arby’s cashier, whose name will be omitted, “Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they’re supposed to or not, and they immediately raise their voice and shout out; “YOU USED THE WRONG ‘THERE/THEIR/THEY’RE’!” And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff. It’s terrifying, and it makes you feel a little of destroyed on the inside.

Grammar Nazism sometimes makes appearances in the form of graffiti

“It’s all the same word to me,” he continued, “It’s the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I’ve seen so many people just float right by the wrong ‘they’re/there/their’ without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi’s who run this country look like crazy zealots who need serious counseling.”

Efforts to render Grammar Nazism as a form of OCD  in the next DSM have so far lead to nothing more than semi-lively debates among psychiatrists about what constitutes a mental disorder. Most have agreed that because the neurotic obsession of correcting peoples grammar is well within social norms, that its an OK neuroses to have.

In other news, some of the more radical groups on the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event at arby’s. A representative from one of the more predominant groups had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

“This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or of what they call ‘error’. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the ‘err’ of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; “No! “Ain’t” is a word, damnit! I will say ‘me and drake’- not ‘drake and I’, all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of common phrases I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, like ‘Everytime’ or ‘Eachother’,  regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary as such. ‘Wanna’, ‘gonna’, ‘gotta’ are all proper contractions. What makes a word and a sentence real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own artistic and communal creation, instead of seeking the rigid and tyrannical approval of the Grammar Nazi’s!”

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and now leave you with his one lined response we received to reach your own conclusions:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Debates About Anarchism Causes Internet to Hemorrhage

Just this last Friday the internet had a massive Hemorrhage in it’s interlocking electro-neurology. The Hemorrhage was caused by a obnoxiously long winded, over drawn debate on the semantical and contextual meaning of “Anarchism”. If you don’t know the half of what I said, it’s because your a normal human being as far as your social life is concerned. You have permission to stop reading here, because you aren’t missing anything important.

Unbeknownst to most Internet users who were masturbating at the time, there was a debate raging alongside all the porn being watched, the revert wars on wikipedia, 4chan nonsensicalness, and torrent file sharing. That tedious debate is about the aforementioned political topic.

“We didn’t know that this could happen, or that what we were doing was even wrong” said a wannabe black bloc teenager who spends most of his time on the world wide web instead of being a real life activist. “We were just trying to find the best way to overthrow the government, and argued so much about the ‘what’s what’ of what that even meant and it kinda just shut down on us out of nowhere.”

The debate itself goes waaaaaaaaaaaaay back before the spawn of the electronic membrane known as the internet. It has unfortunately transferred over to the info-ethereal realm of cyber space after developing like mold in milk in the memepool that is human culture, and it did so without any warning.

Some anarchists have suggested that anarchism has been around since the early Chinese philosophers like Laotse, who developed respectable philosophies like Taoism, in the BCE. This only makes the situation worse- a three thousand year old moldy meme is more foul smelling and deadly then a three hundred year one.

“Even with the internet in the shape it is now, I refuse to align myself in any fashion with the likes of ‘anarcho’-capitalists to help out,” said angry ‘anarcho’-syndicalist GnOmEcHoKsKyfan223. ” Even though the internet is the last frontier of freedom, its just retarded; you can’t have anarchism, AND capitalism, together. They are juxtaposed. I read it in a book somewhere. That’s just the way it is. If they think that they can get away with calling themselves anarchist any longer, they don’t know whats…”

GnOmEcHoKsKyfan223 continued to talk, but we refused to write down what he said, because we had more exciting and enriching things in our lives to ponder upon than overly-muddled political semantics.

The question stands, especially right now, just what is anarchism, really? I think we should all expect a decent and coherent answer with the predicament were in with the internet Hemorrhaging and whatnot. Seems reasonable to expect, right? I mean, anyone wasting copious amounts of  time staring at a twittering screen in the act of exchanging information is doing it in good measure, right?

Prepare to be disappointed.

this guy knows what he is doing

Most people would tell you anarchy obviously equates to violence and chaos and make cheap references to the Joker from ‘The Dark Knight’. And they would be right, because no one accept that fictional comic book character knows anything about what they’re doing with respect to their thoughts, the practices they produce in their life, and there measurable outcome. The Joker has measurable results in his fictional world. ‘Real’ Anarchists obviously don’t, hence the Government still exists. By all standards, the Joker is an infinitely more productive Anarchist then everyone else; save G.G. Allen.

“What the other anarchists don’t understand,” said a white male, possibly over the age of thirty, who may or may not frequent mises.com, “is that libertarians run the internet these days, and that means capitalism. If they don’t like it, they can just get out, and go somewhere else- they don’t have to be on here.

“I mean, fuckin, like,” continued the stuttering, angst ridden, pimply pseudo intellectual teenager who read the wikiquote of max stirner/camus/nietzsche once or twice and thinks he’s better than everyone else, “who the fuck are they to, fucken, like, tell me what the fuck anarchism is and whats not? Sounds very fucken authoritarian to me, and does that sound like anarchism to you? I’ll tell you just in case you had an answer: No, it fucken doesn’t.”

Some ‘Anarchists’ want a global collection of anarcho-syndicalist “Labor Unions” (sounds fun, huh?). Some ‘Anarchists’ would prefer that the majority rules in an isolated commune. Some think Science is evil and the epitome of patriarchal organisation, and is the single sustaining factor of that even greater evil; Civilisation! Others think that’s a bit retarded. They all hate ‘Government’, but can’t clearly define what that means. The only agreement reached is this: They all hate Wal-Mart.

what's not to love about that place?

We tried to reach an anarcho-communist for comment, but he refused to speak for himself. Instead we tried to get in contact with an anarcho-primitivist, over the phone, via a grid of electronics and telecommunication devices that the entire foundation of modern civilisation rests on, and we succeeded.

“Really, I’m kind of proud the internet had the Hemorrhage it did,” said primitivist, his voice crackling over the electric phone line “this is a great momentous event for the cause. We will be eating berries from trees sooner then we thought. Wait-… hold on a second, my cat is clawing the leather couch, i have to-”

The primitivists cellular signal was cut off at that precise moment, adding to the multiple layers of irony already in place.

No Hipster ever had it that good.

After his interview we tried to touch base with a post-modernist, insurrectionist anarchist to get his comments on the internet hemorrhage, but his sensibilities were offended when he found out who we had mingled with already, and refused to comment at all. Instead, he wrote a long, scathing diatribe about Marx, for the third time that day, and published it on The Anarchist Library, just in case someone out there gives enough of a shit to know what he thinks about that long dead and gone political
figure.

No, not that Roland.

“We don’t have much to say except that we love Jesus” said anarcho-christian and tolstoy fanatic, Pastor Roland, “We take this as a sign of the end of Days and await our saviours return.”

Despite the primitivists hope, the internet did not eventually collapse from the hemorrhage, but was tended to ASAP by the good, hard working cellular life forms of earth, also known as ‘humans’. The electro-telluric nervous system continued to evolve until one of William Gibson’s many predictions came true and it developed into a self conscious AI that sent radio signals of awesome into outer space, successfully contacting another planets with similar a AI, setting off a chain of events that lead the first galactic alliance of roughly humanoid and sapient creatures. The significance of this event will be overlooked by most anarchist’s, because they will be busy debating over shoddy models of economics that never existed, etymology, and what constitutes ‘coercion’.