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The Gas Station

So I was just chillin at the convenient store/Gas Station mindin my own business when I realized that I had somewhere more important to be. So naturally I start walkin out and as im walkin out, the store clerk starts talkin to me, like, ‘sir, you need to pay for that gum.’ And I’m all, ‘dude, wtf are you talkin bout?’ and I just keep walkin.  And this guy, he keeps talkin. And right as I hit the door, he yells out ‘THAT GUMS NOT YOURS, I’M GOING T-” and by that point I was out the door. I tell ya, I can’t stand some of those gas station attendants. They think the world is all theirs or something, like because you messed up and ended up at that job, I owe you something. Naw dude, you got it all wrong.

So im walking down the street, and like, not to far from the gas station, this big dude in a white shirt and green slacks starts yellin at me too. I dont know what it is today. And this guy, he does this dumb a** wave at me, all like reachin out for a high five or somethin, and I can hear him look at me and shout out “STOP!” This dude, with is face, looks SO confused, so I point at myself, and i’m like “KEVIN!” And he just yells “STOP!” again, and I’m like “my name is KEVIN!” and he was like “YOUR UNDER ARREST!” and im like, “Im under a what?” and I explain to him “Dude, I don’t know what country your from, but i’m from America, and here we speak American, and if you don’t like it you can get out and go somewhere else.” and then he pulled a fricken tazer gun out on me, and tried shooting me- except it was a dud. And now im like, damn, I better get running, cause this guys seriously wants to hurt me. So I book it down the road, and I keep running, and it seems like this guy is loosing gain on me. And then like, I after passed Baskin Robbins over by highway 301 and Desoto, and he just gave up or disappeared or something.

Yeah, pretty exciting day or whatev’s; but anyway, that gum wasn’t all that great at all. That ‘long lasting flavor’ crap is pretty over-rated.

There are just so many things in this world that I don’t get. So many people are dumb and just don’t know how to handle life. I swear, there are just some people that don’t know their left from their right. People in the world today are a lot stupider than they were a few years ago, you can tell.

Let me tell you about this one time: I was hanging out with my friends at their house, and we were all just chillin on the couch, havin laughs and a good time. Than I decide to get up and go get a drink. And before I even make it out of the living room, one of the guys asks me if I ‘could get him a drink too’.

Can you believe that? He thinks that just because I’m a women and i’m going up to get a drink, he can just ask me because its convenient. He didn’t notice me or ask me to get it when I wasn’t getting up to get the drink. He’s only using me. Like a misogynist-pig. The nerve on that man. I mean, like, I got him the drink just to be nice, but gosh- What a jerk. We don’t need men like him in this world. Or men at all, when I think about it. They should just not exist.

But that’s not the only thing wrong with this world. I mean, there’s just so much work to do! And people are just spoiled, they make a mess and expect someone else to clean it up for them!

That’s what’s really wrong with this Country- too much of a mess around here, I don’t know how to deal with all of it. I mean just this morning, I woke up and I had to do dishes! And their was a HUGE pile of them! Who expects me to do all these dishes? And first off, like, who put them there? 

And you can’t even talk to other people about all the dishes you have to do, either, without them sticking their nose in your business. I was venting about my dishes around my friends again, and this one person was like, “this is just my two scents, but I notice that when I do my dishes little by little, they never pile up like that. I’m also a stupid-face and I like talking when know one cares what i’m saying.”  

Well Mr. Stupid-Face, I have some information for you. First off, I don’t like you, and I think your shoes are nasty, and out of style. Second off, I will do my dishes whenever I feel like it, so you can leave your 2 cents out of my change jar. So unless you have anything else to offer, besides your chump change, I suggest you go somewhere else with that racist republican work ethic of yours.

And then, The other day, I was at work, and this guy walked in. I immediately did not like him. He seemed overly confident and cocky, as if he was sooo entitled everything around him- the way he was taking his time staring at the menu above the counter (I can’t stand those people!). And after like, five minutes, he comes up to me and asks for a medium coffee. And I made that medium coffee -mostly just because its my job, otherwise, I wouldn’t of done it- but I made sure to let that guy know that I was not a fan of making that coffee for him. And then after that he gave me this weird look and told me to ‘have a nice day’ and left. Translation; ‘I don’t like your face and i’m just pretending to be nice to you.

Ugh-k. What a meanie. I swear, I don’t understand some people. Literally all you have to do for the world to be a better place is decide to be nice to other people and your surroundings, and those same people will literally return the favor and give back because all relationships are a two-way street so don’t expect life to give you a magic box full of happy things when you cop a bratty attitude like that. 

People, I swear. So stupid.

ankylosaur_trex

This is Eddie getting in a fight with Bojangles the T-Rex

So I was hanging out with my Dinosaur buddy Eddie. He’s an Ankylosaurus. A real smart Ankylosaurus. We’re pretty much best friends. He likes eating food and smashing toy soldiers like I do. One day me and Eddie were getting into a heated discussion about origin of the universe. I was very convinced that the universe was essentially a giant Oreo(I had Oreo’s and milk for a snack for lunch that day). Eddie told me that I was wrong, and said that the kosmos (I think thats how you spell it) was 17.23 billion years old, and began at the big-bang, and was definitely not an Oreo.

A little background on Edward; Eddie is like a hundred million years old. When he was resurrected through fossil DNA. They tested how smart he was, and he aced all there tests, and even got high scores on the ASVAB. Because Eddie was a bit different, the government offered him a place in our human world if he would just help them with their science program. It was either that, or a lifetime of being experimented on.

So naturally, Eddie became a scientist.

My name is Tommy. I’m only twelve. I go to a magnet school for mathematics. I met Eddie at an Iron-Man booth at a local Comic Con; which is the last place you’d expect to make friends with a dinosaur. But apparently Eddie likes super-heroes a whole lot.

We were at the park when the argument first started: “The Scientific-Method is the ultimate tool for knowledge and understand.” Eddie tells me. “It’s the best because we only believe in things that can be replicated by controlled experiment and rigorous blah blah blah.” Eddie likes to use big words to try and confuse me, but I see through his antics. “-We’ve been able to ascertain through radiation readings through our high-end techno-satellites that the universe used to be the a condensed to the size of golf-ball eons ago.”

“I don’t think we should believe in the big-bang,” I say, shooting one toy soldier with another. “We only think it exists because of some dumb satellites say that everything we see is moving away from us. How do we know we can trust them? They’ve changed the age of the universe seventy-gajillion times in the past century. That just tells us how much we don’t know.”

“But we only know what we know because of Science!”

“And as our knowledge grows, so does our understanding of the universe. We think the universe is just a ‘sploded golf-ball. But I think that the universe is a ginormous ocean. And in that ocean, there is an Oreo. That is were we live-  that is why we call this place the milky way.”

“That’s incredulous” Eddie says, all snooty. Then his tummy rumbles. “I’m getting hungry, do you wanna get a slurpee?”

“That sounds awesome!” We high five, and he picks me up by his tail and places me on his back. We started heading towards 7-11.

“Your a smart kid Tommy, how could you believe that we inhabit an Oreo when clearly, according to our science, the universe is expanding? How do Oreo’s expand?”

“Because the Oreo is in an ocean, dummy. So its getting soggy. It only looks like its expanding, when really its crumbling, like its in a cup of milk.  You scientists only believe what you see; but when the cookie crumbles, we will see the truth.”

“Meta-physical bollocks.” His tummy rumbles again. “Prove it to me with evidence.”

“Evidence? You’ve never replicated putting the whole universe into a golf-ball. Tell me how that even makes sense. Ever seen a golf-ball ‘splode into the universe? No. Because its stoopid. I’ve watched a cookie crumble in milk. Boom!” my hands go out making an explosion. “In your face, dino-dumb-head!

“As above, so below.” Eddie whispered to himself, almost like a question. I don’t know what that means. But he sounded like he was coming around. Eddie is a bit prideful, so I’m not going to rub it in. I’m thirsty, so I grab onto his horns and jump on his head.

“Arguing is boring,” I announce, “Lets race to the 7-11!”

“Yeah, That sounds like fun! FOR THE IRON-MAN!”

“Yeah! FOR IRON-MAN!!!”

Eddie bucked up on his hind legs and let out a primeval dinosaur roar, scaring away all the pedestrians as he dashed off into the distance towards our Slurpee delights, smashing everything in his path.

The Slurpees were real good.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

-Matthew 18:3

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This is Love

There was once a Doctor, named Mad-Man Meticula, who was considered the wisest man the world had ever seen. Doctor Meticula had earned the name “Mad-Man Meticula” for how crazy he was, and also his looks; White coat, frayed gray hair, black science gloves used for science- and glasses. Mad-Man Meticula was known for his glasses. He had a very peculiar pair of spectacles that were strapped around his head and had two Microscopes protruding from were you would normally see regular lenses.

One day, while finishing up his work being a super-genius, Dr. Meticula published something in scientific journal ‘The Reduction Times‘ about the powerful human emotion of Love: In it he claimed that love -the emotional force that poets, protesters and prophets alike all claimed is what held humanity (and the whole universe) together- was nothing but a bunch of chemicals firing in the brain. If that wasn’t enough, he also said that anyone doing or believing anything based in love, was dumb.

Just after it was published, the paper was critically acclaimed by everyone who wanted to feel smart. Scientists who were friends of his threw him a party. And while he was partying, the fabric of the society slowly started to crumble as every news show, blog, and hipster coffee shop was talking about this ‘scientific breakthrough’.

People started using this mans ‘discovery’ as an excuse not to be loyal, chaste, or honorable. In the aftermath, a lot of people cheated, lied, and got their feelings hurt- in the name of science.

Then the people who really believed in love got upset. The Poets sent him several verses about how he was wrong, and begged him to see the glorious shimmering truth and surreptitious beauty of love in the cosmos. They told him that continuing down this deceitful path would make everyone forlorn and morose and… I could go on but you get the picture, poets’ll talk all day if you let them.

Dr. Meticula read through everyone of the letters looking for something solid to critique, but decided to respond to them by taking scissors, and cut up there sentences into a confetti of parts of speech, and mailed them all back to them with a note saying “these were all just a bunch of silly words.”

The Poets, being composed mostly of wimps, got all willy-nilly and spent the rest of their days writing stanzas over being Smitten by Mad-Man Meticula’s Witty Hand of Might.

After the poets were defeated, the hippy protesters quickly chained themselves outside his laboratory and swore that they would starve themselves until he declared that Love was real, and also that Love ruled the whole universe, man.

While Meticula could not get inside, he did not get upset. Instead, he went home, and came back five days later with a full course thanksgiving dinner, placed it on the sidewalk outside his office, and let his dog eat it in front of them. The Meal was so big that the dog didn’t get to finish until three days later, by which time the protesters quit and went to go eat something.

One by one the Doctors enemies were defeated, and to treat himself, he decided to get some fresh air and take a stroll through the park. While strolling through, he witnessed a child playing with plastic toy soldiers. In the midst of the kids joy, after defeating the fictional green army with his stomping feet, the boy shouted “I AM GODZILLA, AND I LOVE DESTROYING ALLL OF THE THINGSS!!!!”

godzilla

The park was never the same

Now a normal person would go ‘aw, thats cute,’ or, ‘man, that kid needs help.’ and walk away minding there own business. Not the Doctor. He just could not let this go. Never having dealt with children before, he did not know how much of a mistake this was.

After he went up and told the boy that love was not real, the boy stepped on another soldier and said:

“IS TOO! I CAN FEEL IT! I LOVE DESTROYING STUFF!” the war-torn child started banging on his chest and growling at the toy soldiers like the doctor wasn’t there.

The Doctor replied, bending at this knees to get to the child’s level, poking in with his microscopic glasses to better explain to the boy, “You can feel it in your chest only because you have chemicals in your brain that tell you to feel it. Thats a fact of science, do you take science classes?”

The boy looked at him with an angry face. “Your stoopid!!” the child shouted, and turned away annoyed. He picked up a rock and started smashing it on the toy soldiers.

“It’s not stupid, it’s science!” The Doctor was getting snooty. “It’s a mix of serotonin and dopamine in your medula that make you have these feelings. There is nothing really there but those chemicals in your brain. You play with lego’s, don’t you? Well love is really just a bunch of small chemical blocks, like lego’s-”

And then it happened, he didn’t see it coming ’cause of his goggles were zoomed in so much. The child threw a rock at him and hit him square in the face, and broke his glasses.

Naturally, the Doctor got angry. “HOW DARE YOU!” he erupted, “THAT HURT!”

“What hurt?” said the child, playing with the toys like he did nothing at all.

“The rock you threw at me!”

“That wasn’t a rock,” said the child matter-o-factly, “that was just a bunch of dopabeans in your majoola.

For a second the doctor was mad- how dare this insolent child strike him with a stone!

In the midst of his anger, his brain instinctively tried to come up with a rebuttal- but nothing came out.

This was not normal.

He thought some more- but still nothing.

The Doctor had officially run out of dopabeans.

After the paradox of his beliefs had sunken in, he continued to walk the park with his glasses off, and for the first time saw love in action. A cheesy coincidence of A romantic picnic just a few minutes away, where a couple was twiddling fingers and sharing bites of food. A random bro-hug between two men in a bro-mance parting ways. A father flying a kite with his son. Birds singing songs of love amidst the trees- the whole nine yards. Now that his glasses were off, he could really see what was going on.

He began to postulate that the bonds made between these people formed with this “love” were more than just mere chemical reactions, but were in fact literal and real, and could potentially be as important as any tool or mineral resource (like the rock he’d been hit with), if not more so.

Shortly after, and after much thought, Mad-Man Meticula quit his job, and renounced all of his work in neurology, and moved to the Himalayas to be a monk. And the Godzilla child conquered the toy soldier army for the 5th time that week.

The moral to the story, if there is one, is this: Just because a man who wears fancy pants says something does not mean it can’t be the most stoopidest thing you have ever heard.

Thats right; Stupid, with two O’s.

Oh yeah, and some of life’s biggest problems can be solved by dropping everything you think you know and just acting like a child for a few moments*. So please, before you base any of your decisions off of what someone else says, go outside and play Godzilla for a half an hour and see if it still makes sense afterwords. I guarantee you this will save you a lot of trouble in your life.

*the author does not encourage throwing rocks at strangers**, and does not accept responsibility for anyone throwing said rocks at anyone else.

**unless they really deserved it.

Francis Bacon- Inventor of Christmas, Modern Science, and Bacon. A true American Hero.

It was the 25th of December, or Christmas morning, and our hero was eating breakfast alone.

He didn’t realize he had the day off until halfway through making his eggs. And in any other scenario, realizing you don’t have to be up at such an ungodly hour in the morning would drive most people back to bed, and wait for everyone else to wake up to open Christmas presents.

Most people would of changed their mind after cooking up three strips of bacon.

So there he sat, all by himself at the table, eating breakfast. From the outside looking in, this would seem kind of dreary. But not to the man eating breakfast. This is because the man eating breakfast was a bit mad, and everything looks interesting to people who are mad. Always

On this particular Christmas morning he was wondering how he became to be so mad. On some days he blamed the weather, on others he blamed the law of parity- (if there was a difference between the two). But on this specific Christmas morning, he decided to blame his third grade science teacher, who was the first person to teach him that temperature was just another word for motion.

In other words, how hot or cold something was depended on how fast the matter was moving.

For example, cold rocks were ‘still’ by most peoples standards. But our hero could only look at a rock and see trillions of clashing atoms that made the appearance of a rock.

This type of thinking, if done frequently, will blow your mind. In fact it could make you mad.

“SLOW DOWN!!” the madman snapped and drew his hand back. He accidentally put his hand on the hot part of his stove when he was cooking.

“How about no,” replied the stove, “Do you want eggs with that bacon or not?”

The madman barked at the stove over from the sink, which was running cold water over his wounded palm. “Don’t be a smart ass,” he fumed “And I suppose I do- But I’m warning you,” he pointed at the stove with his good hand, “you give me anymore trouble and I’m replacing you with one o those induction cook tops!”

An induction cook top isn’t going to save you from being an idiot,” the stove whispered under his breathe.

“What was that?!”

“I said quit being a baby and lets cook some eggs.”

They madman and the stove resolved their conflict. Thankfully he bought a model that covered up his sarcasm and wit with its people skills. Otherwise the madman would be out of a stove, and the stove would be out of a good home.

Temperature was not the only thing his third grade teacher taught him about. The next week she gave a rather life changing lesson about the earth’s revolutions around the sun. This was nothing new to the child, this was something everyone learned when they were growing up. But this teacher decided to be different-

“Did you know that the Earth is rotating” she would remark to her pupils, “at a speed of One Thousand miles per hour?!

All the other children would drop their jaws. “WOW!” they would gasp, “Thats so cool!!”

All the children except the one that would become mad.

SCIENCE!!!

One thousands miles per hour was way. too. fast.

“What else can you teach us?” shouted one of his classmates.

“YEAH! Teach us more!” shouted another.

The child was already scared out of his mind. Paralyzed with fear. Why did learning have to hurt?

And that’s when she dropped the bomb, and disclosed to the whole class that as they thought they were ‘sitting still’, the Earth was orbiting around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour.

That did it, the child snapped. More than just a snap, he screamed at the top of his lungs. Squealed. Bellowed. Boomed. Exclaimed in fear. Most people can’t comprehend such sizes and speeds. But somehow, for a split second, somewhere in the neuro-chemistry of his brain, the child had the day-lights scared out  of him. And he made sure the whole school had heard him. And after everyone gathered their wits, they tried to calm him down.

This worked eventually, but this had struck a deep personal fear in him of motion of any kind that he would not get rid of for years to come, until he was in his mid to late teens.

He was so torn up by this ground shaking event, that year he actually sent a letter to Santa Claus with detailed blueprints on how to bring the Earth to a complete halt so that everything could return to normal, and told him to not bother with giving him any other ‘gifts’ unless it somehow involved his plans.

He didn’t get anything back for weeks, which told him that Santa was doing his job as usual. But On Christmas day he received a personal letter from Santa Claus which read:

Dear Child,

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stop the Earths for you. It’s not ‘normal’, let alone possible. I can understand your fear. Sort of. The world is a big scary place, but let me tell you that the worlds motion is the last thing you need to be afraid of.

I didn’t get you anything else this year because you said not to. And I only did what you said because you were on the Nice List. Have a merry Christmas.

Sincerly,
Santa Claus

P.S.

Thanks for the cookies.

This did not make the child happy, But there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually, he would overcome his fear. After he realized that this was the nature of the universe and there was truly nothing he could do about it, he went off the deep end and kicked it off by flying a small plane, riding a roller coaster, and buying a motorcycle all in the same day.

Every once in a while, though, he thought about how the world was spinning. He didn’t do this to strike fear in himself. Rather he did it because it made things more hilarious.

For example, when a person trips and falls on their face, most people laugh just because its funny all by itself. But i is a scientific fact that its funnier is when someone trips while they are on a moving object, like a treadmillt. The Madman didn’t see a reason not to laugh extra hard when he saw someone trip on normal ground. Cause after all, they were really tripping on a walking ball. Albeit an earth-sized ball. Still, its funny. You should try it some time.

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Spoiler alert: The shoe hits him in the face.

Science was now a coping mechanism. Whenever something bad happened, it was easier to blame science rather than the folly of people. On one Christmas Eve, the madman went road on his bike down a two lane street, and was struck by a car that, for whatever reason, decided to leave its own lane on a two way street, and enter his. He did a front flip over the car and broke his arm landing on the ground. His bike had been totaled, and the car left the scene after they had assessed the situation was not favorable for them or their insurance.

For most people, it was all to reasonable to get mad at the driver of the car. But the Scientist new better.

“What the heck, man?”  he yelled at the ground. He began to get snappy with the Earth, “You know, people tell me to keep it positive and all the crap, but  sometimes its hard not to see how you’re not the source of all of my problems.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally, bud” replied the Earth in a low toned voice, ” I just think it would be safer if you drove cars for a while instead, they’re a lot safer. I mean, it could be worse. You could be dead.”

The madman looked at his arm, which by all appearances, was pretty mangled.

I suppose that’s fair enough” he returned. The Earth was very wise. Maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all.

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“Hey Earth?” he chimed back.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for the catch.”

“Anytime bud.”

One whole Christmas later, the Earth decided to repay him with a Christmas tree full of presents. And Bacon. The madman did not know which one was better yet, he would have to wait for everyone else in the house to wake up and open them. But for the time being, he enjoyed his bacon the most.

Christmas Bacon was for sure the best Bacon, just because it was made on Christmas. And because of that, he was thankful for everything else he had.

The End

Today were going to learn how to be a pessimist. Pessimism is unique to domesticated primates, and does not currently exist in any other species known in the universe. If this is your first time studying these creatures, and you don’t know what pessimism is, let me give you a quick definition before we go any further:

Pessimism*
noun

A person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.

There you have it in a simple nutshell. In more general terms, a pessimist is simply someone who thinks that life is all around bad. Rotten to the core. Maybe even not worth living at all. For whatever reason, some domesticated primates believe this so strongly, that they have conditioned there nervous systems day in and day out to see nothing but negativity. Not everyone sees it that way. Others like to think that they are just people who like to make up excuses to be losers or assholes.

The debate about who is right or wrong is a topic for another time. The real meat of the matter, how pessimists actively become and maintain their pessimism, is by following these 4 easy steps.

Step One: Assume the worst of the world.

This right here is key. Whether you know it or not, you train your brain everyday by consciously deciding what to pay attention to. It is now your mission to pay attention to everything that is wrong with the world, and train your brain to pick up all the bad things that are going on in your life.  If you do not assume the worst, when the worst happens, sometimes it may seem like it’ll pass you by.

Remember, you are in the worst position you could ever be in, and you are out to prove it.

Step Two: When the worst happens, you totally saw that coming.

Something bad just happened. This is no surprise to you. You expected as much. But now that it happened, it is time to change your body language to emphasis it to yourself and others. Look down. Slump your shoulders. Talk in a deeper, more melancholic tone. Start whining about other problems from the past, regardless of how relevant they are to your current situation- It should all be relevant simply because this stuff always happens to you.

To some, your negative outlook on life may seem like gritty realism. Do not be fooled, this is just how you have trained your brain to see the world. There is not as much realism behind it as you like to think.

Step Three: When good stuff happens, take it for granted. 

This is also a key step, but it will come more or less naturally when you make a habit of steps one and two. So you don’t necessarily have to make an effort for this one (or anything, for that matter). More and more you will find yourself squashing good opportunities and good events in your life out of cynicism, or maybe even laziness. This will stop you from improving upon your horrible situation with any visible effectiveness; keeping you hopeless and down, just like you’re supposed to be.

Besides, you’re probably anticipating that something bad will happen anyway. This is because it will. Something bad is always guaranteed to happen. This is because the universe oscillates between positive and negative, black and white, and good and bad, all the times. But this fact should be ignored when thinking negatively. The point to being a pessimist is bringing out the negative in life more than the positive, not actually making objective measurements of whats actually there.

Step Four: Lower your standards.

This is not so much a step, as it is rock bottom. You will have lots of these. You may even jump into them willingly. You will come to find that because you keep expecting bad things to happen, more and more you voluntarily participate in them because your brain does not believe there is anything better out there for you. You may also start hanging out with around other primates who do not have your best interest at heart, and doing things that you know may lead to bad consequences for the sake of short term bursts of ecstasy, rather than building things with the goal of long term benefits and success.

At this point, the pessimism will come easy. There doesn’t seem to be anything in your life that isn’t entropy. Things are always being torn down more than they are being built. And depending on how dedicated you are to your bad attitude, some of this destruction may or may not be directly your fault. But even if it is, you have full permission to blame all the world for your problems.

Congratulations! You’re now a pessimist!

See, now that was easy. All’s it takes to be good at being bad at life is doing it yourself, and repeating these four steps over and over. And if you do continue to repeat them, it is guaranteed that you will soon be consumed in a pit of negativity that will affect every aspect of your life.

The side effects of this include festering with guilt, sadness, and regret. And (statistically speaking) your lifespan will now be shortened; your mental and physical health will degrade faster and faster over time; you will also become more prone to disease, and more likely to succumb to fatal effects of terminal illness- and these are just a few of the perks you will receive with your new found attitude and powers of negative foresight.

(Disclaimer: All of these effects may be significantly reversed by polarizing your thought and taking sufficient action in the opposite direction by doing more positive, constructive things with your time and energy.)

*Being a pessimist may or not actually increase the chances of the worst actually happening to you. “The Worst” is a term that varies by definition from person to person. You do not need any bad experiences to be a pessimist, but a usually helps to try and build your resume before you become one.

Dear Premonitions,

You know, we’ve known each other a long time. And you’re good at what you do, you really are. I can safely say you’ve even saved me a couple of times from rather bad situations. Man, there have been some close ones, haven’t there?

That foresight stuff is a great thing to have: I suppose I do want you to tone things down a bit, though. Of course, its real nice being able to see ’round corners and what not, But I really do enjoy the few surprises I get, and you are ruining them for me.

I mean, at first it was kind of cool. I remember that one time when you told me that one of my friends put mayonnaise in my shoe, and I thought you were lying and put my shoes on anyway; because you know, who does that? That was pretty funny, because the answer turned out to be my friends. Haha. And that one time you told me not to eat some of that restaurant food, and I didn’t, and everyone who did got food poisoning. Really, that was awesome stuff. But seriously now, sometimes these things get ridiculousness.

One day I woke up and my roommate  was gone, and you told me he went to the grocery store to get groceries. And that on the list of his groceries was parmesan cheese. Even though he hates the stuff, he was getting it for me- because I asked for it 5 months ago. I don’t care to know why he did it then, I just want to know why I had to know that 15 minutes before he got home. It could have waited, and I wouldn’t have to fake being surprised, and come off as an asshole. Now I have parmesan cheese, but my roommate thinks i’m an ungrateful dick.

Thanks to you I can tell when my cats gonna from out of no where and claw my leg (I don’t even fight that anymore, I have accepted that this is a mark of love). You can do all that, thats cool, but I draw the line when I’m stuck in an elevator, and I can tell when someones about to fart and  leave 3 floors before I have to get off. That upsets me. It really does. It’s bad enough that the fart is already kinda unnecessary, but it’s completely unnecessary for me to have to know about it beforehand. WTF is that about?

I wish you would of taken that incident and traded it for that one time I walked in on my step mom having sex with her boyfriend. Could of saved me a facial tick and an awkward conversation later on in time.

Although, I do appreciate it when you let me know when my friends or family are going to be mad or happy with me, weeks prior to any particular reason why. This helps me brace myself, in one way or another, for things to come. I do not appreciate it, however, when you don’t let me know it may involve a car wreck, or something else that I think is preventable. That is not nice. In fact it kind of hurts.

This message isn’t all about doom and gloom and dissatisfaction. I also need to thank you for some stuff. Thanks to you, I have learned firsthand that time is not linear. I also worry about dumb shit a lot less. On top of that, you also taught me that the universe is so dynamic it is able to maintain being deterministic and non-deterministic at the same time- and somewhere in there I can pull whatever I want out of thin air. I mean, I still don’t get it, but hey, I’m just a small termite floating in the cosmos, right? Maybe i’m not supposed to understand.

You also aided me in developing an advanced lay-understanding of physics, psychology, philosophy, religion, and gave me an unbreakable concern for all humanity, all by the time I was 14. I’m pretty grateful for that, because now that I got all that shit out of the way when I was younger, people think I’m cool and smart. Never thought that would ever happen.

I also came to enjoy being an empathic, hormonal teenager cluttered together with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers like myself in a public school. Sure it was torture at first, but perceiving everyone’s invisible joys and woes will change your perspective really fast- teaches you that you don’t have much to complain about. Also, that no one is normal in the least, so I guess I’m ok being a bit of a freak.

But have you ever tried focusing on your classwork, and the girl next to you is on her period, or instead you’re next to the emo kid who has six notebooks full of rearranged lyrics from that band Hawthorne Heights, and you can hear their thoughts? It’s hard, but it is possible- if you are in the lotus position. But that’s extremely difficult to maintain in a school desk. I did it once, but got sent to the office for breaking a rule in the student handbook. Why is the school anti-buddhist, you ask? Read the handbook, and it will tell you. Something about discouraging non-curricular ‘enlightenment’ prior to receiving your degree, or something like that. It was total bs; and it may of had to do with why I dropped out.

But I digress, I think its safe to say that I turned out relatively normal for all the things we’ve been through. I just wanted to say that its been nice having you around this long. I hope that in the future, we can get more stuff done. Thanks for everything. Really, I mean it. Lets just try to be more practical in the future, and no more extra-sensory-perception for grocery lists or other peoples flatulence. That shits weird.

Sincerely,
Bob