Archive for October, 2012

Today were going to learn how to be a pessimist. Pessimism is unique to domesticated primates, and does not currently exist in any other species known in the universe. If this is your first time studying these creatures, and you don’t know what pessimism is, let me give you a quick definition before we go any further:


A person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.

There you have it in a simple nutshell. In more general terms, a pessimist is simply someone who thinks that life is all around bad. Rotten to the core. Maybe even not worth living at all. For whatever reason, some domesticated primates believe this so strongly, that they have conditioned there nervous systems day in and day out to see nothing but negativity. Not everyone sees it that way. Others like to think that they are just people who like to make up excuses to be losers or assholes.

The debate about who is right or wrong is a topic for another time. The real meat of the matter, how pessimists actively become and maintain their pessimism, is by following these 4 easy steps.

Step One: Assume the worst of the world.

This right here is key. Whether you know it or not, you train your brain everyday by consciously deciding what to pay attention to. It is now your mission to pay attention to everything that is wrong with the world, and train your brain to pick up all the bad things that are going on in your life.  If you do not assume the worst, when the worst happens, sometimes it may seem like it’ll pass you by.

Remember, you are in the worst position you could ever be in, and you are out to prove it.

Step Two: When the worst happens, you totally saw that coming.

Something bad just happened. This is no surprise to you. You expected as much. But now that it happened, it is time to change your body language to emphasis it to yourself and others. Look down. Slump your shoulders. Talk in a deeper, more melancholic tone. Start whining about other problems from the past, regardless of how relevant they are to your current situation- It should all be relevant simply because this stuff always happens to you.

To some, your negative outlook on life may seem like gritty realism. Do not be fooled, this is just how you have trained your brain to see the world. There is not as much realism behind it as you like to think.

Step Three: When good stuff happens, take it for granted. 

This is also a key step, but it will come more or less naturally when you make a habit of steps one and two. So you don’t necessarily have to make an effort for this one (or anything, for that matter). More and more you will find yourself squashing good opportunities and good events in your life out of cynicism, or maybe even laziness. This will stop you from improving upon your horrible situation with any visible effectiveness; keeping you hopeless and down, just like you’re supposed to be.

Besides, you’re probably anticipating that something bad will happen anyway. This is because it will. Something bad is always guaranteed to happen. This is because the universe oscillates between positive and negative, black and white, and good and bad, all the times. But this fact should be ignored when thinking negatively. The point to being a pessimist is bringing out the negative in life more than the positive, not actually making objective measurements of whats actually there.

Step Four: Lower your standards.

This is not so much a step, as it is rock bottom. You will have lots of these. You may even jump into them willingly. You will come to find that because you keep expecting bad things to happen, more and more you voluntarily participate in them because your brain does not believe there is anything better out there for you. You may also start hanging out with around other primates who do not have your best interest at heart, and doing things that you know may lead to bad consequences for the sake of short term bursts of ecstasy, rather than building things with the goal of long term benefits and success.

At this point, the pessimism will come easy. There doesn’t seem to be anything in your life that isn’t entropy. Things are always being torn down more than they are being built. And depending on how dedicated you are to your bad attitude, some of this destruction may or may not be directly your fault. But even if it is, you have full permission to blame all the world for your problems.

Congratulations! You’re now a pessimist!

See, now that was easy. All’s it takes to be good at being bad at life is doing it yourself, and repeating these four steps over and over. And if you do continue to repeat them, it is guaranteed that you will soon be consumed in a pit of negativity that will affect every aspect of your life.

The side effects of this include festering with guilt, sadness, and regret. And (statistically speaking) your lifespan will now be shortened; your mental and physical health will degrade faster and faster over time; you will also become more prone to disease, and more likely to succumb to fatal effects of terminal illness- and these are just a few of the perks you will receive with your new found attitude and powers of negative foresight.

(Disclaimer: All of these effects may be significantly reversed by polarizing your thought and taking sufficient action in the opposite direction by doing more positive, constructive things with your time and energy.)

*Being a pessimist may or not actually increase the chances of the worst actually happening to you. “The Worst” is a term that varies by definition from person to person. You do not need any bad experiences to be a pessimist, but a usually helps to try and build your resume before you become one.

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