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Archive for December, 2012

Francis Bacon- Inventor of Christmas, Modern Science, and Bacon. A true American Hero.

It was the 25th of December, or Christmas morning, and our hero was eating breakfast alone.

He didn’t realize he had the day off until halfway through making his eggs. And in any other scenario, realizing you don’t have to be up at such an ungodly hour in the morning would drive most people back to bed, and wait for everyone else to wake up to open Christmas presents.

Most people would of changed their mind after cooking up three strips of bacon.

So there he sat, all by himself at the table, eating breakfast. From the outside looking in, this would seem kind of dreary. But not to the man eating breakfast. This is because the man eating breakfast was a bit mad, and everything looks interesting to people who are mad. Always

On this particular Christmas morning he was wondering how he became to be so mad. On some days he blamed the weather, on others he blamed the law of parity- (if there was a difference between the two). But on this specific Christmas morning, he decided to blame his third grade science teacher, who was the first person to teach him that temperature was just another word for motion.

In other words, how hot or cold something was depended on how fast the matter was moving.

For example, cold rocks were ‘still’ by most peoples standards. But our hero could only look at a rock and see trillions of clashing atoms that made the appearance of a rock.

This type of thinking, if done frequently, will blow your mind. In fact it could make you mad.

“SLOW DOWN!!” the madman snapped and drew his hand back. He accidentally put his hand on the hot part of his stove when he was cooking.

“How about no,” replied the stove, “Do you want eggs with that bacon or not?”

The madman barked at the stove over from the sink, which was running cold water over his wounded palm. “Don’t be a smart ass,” he fumed “And I suppose I do- But I’m warning you,” he pointed at the stove with his good hand, “you give me anymore trouble and I’m replacing you with one o those induction cook tops!”

An induction cook top isn’t going to save you from being an idiot,” the stove whispered under his breathe.

“What was that?!”

“I said quit being a baby and lets cook some eggs.”

They madman and the stove resolved their conflict. Thankfully he bought a model that covered up his sarcasm and wit with its people skills. Otherwise the madman would be out of a stove, and the stove would be out of a good home.

Temperature was not the only thing his third grade teacher taught him about. The next week she gave a rather life changing lesson about the earth’s revolutions around the sun. This was nothing new to the child, this was something everyone learned when they were growing up. But this teacher decided to be different-

“Did you know that the Earth is rotating” she would remark to her pupils, “at a speed of One Thousand miles per hour?!

All the other children would drop their jaws. “WOW!” they would gasp, “Thats so cool!!”

All the children except the one that would become mad.

SCIENCE!!!

One thousands miles per hour was way. too. fast.

“What else can you teach us?” shouted one of his classmates.

“YEAH! Teach us more!” shouted another.

The child was already scared out of his mind. Paralyzed with fear. Why did learning have to hurt?

And that’s when she dropped the bomb, and disclosed to the whole class that as they thought they were ‘sitting still’, the Earth was orbiting around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour.

That did it, the child snapped. More than just a snap, he screamed at the top of his lungs. Squealed. Bellowed. Boomed. Exclaimed in fear. Most people can’t comprehend such sizes and speeds. But somehow, for a split second, somewhere in the neuro-chemistry of his brain, the child had the day-lights scared out  of him. And he made sure the whole school had heard him. And after everyone gathered their wits, they tried to calm him down.

This worked eventually, but this had struck a deep personal fear in him of motion of any kind that he would not get rid of for years to come, until he was in his mid to late teens.

He was so torn up by this ground shaking event, that year he actually sent a letter to Santa Claus with detailed blueprints on how to bring the Earth to a complete halt so that everything could return to normal, and told him to not bother with giving him any other ‘gifts’ unless it somehow involved his plans.

He didn’t get anything back for weeks, which told him that Santa was doing his job as usual. But On Christmas day he received a personal letter from Santa Claus which read:

Dear Child,

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stop the Earths for you. It’s not ‘normal’, let alone possible. I can understand your fear. Sort of. The world is a big scary place, but let me tell you that the worlds motion is the last thing you need to be afraid of.

I didn’t get you anything else this year because you said not to. And I only did what you said because you were on the Nice List. Have a merry Christmas.

Sincerly,
Santa Claus

P.S.

Thanks for the cookies.

This did not make the child happy, But there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually, he would overcome his fear. After he realized that this was the nature of the universe and there was truly nothing he could do about it, he went off the deep end and kicked it off by flying a small plane, riding a roller coaster, and buying a motorcycle all in the same day.

Every once in a while, though, he thought about how the world was spinning. He didn’t do this to strike fear in himself. Rather he did it because it made things more hilarious.

For example, when a person trips and falls on their face, most people laugh just because its funny all by itself. But i is a scientific fact that its funnier is when someone trips while they are on a moving object, like a treadmillt. The Madman didn’t see a reason not to laugh extra hard when he saw someone trip on normal ground. Cause after all, they were really tripping on a walking ball. Albeit an earth-sized ball. Still, its funny. You should try it some time.

treadmill-fail-live-wallpaper-10-2

Spoiler alert: The shoe hits him in the face.

Science was now a coping mechanism. Whenever something bad happened, it was easier to blame science rather than the folly of people. On one Christmas Eve, the madman went road on his bike down a two lane street, and was struck by a car that, for whatever reason, decided to leave its own lane on a two way street, and enter his. He did a front flip over the car and broke his arm landing on the ground. His bike had been totaled, and the car left the scene after they had assessed the situation was not favorable for them or their insurance.

For most people, it was all to reasonable to get mad at the driver of the car. But the Scientist new better.

“What the heck, man?”  he yelled at the ground. He began to get snappy with the Earth, “You know, people tell me to keep it positive and all the crap, but  sometimes its hard not to see how you’re not the source of all of my problems.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally, bud” replied the Earth in a low toned voice, ” I just think it would be safer if you drove cars for a while instead, they’re a lot safer. I mean, it could be worse. You could be dead.”

The madman looked at his arm, which by all appearances, was pretty mangled.

I suppose that’s fair enough” he returned. The Earth was very wise. Maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all.

Bacon-photo-1024x764

“Hey Earth?” he chimed back.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for the catch.”

“Anytime bud.”

One whole Christmas later, the Earth decided to repay him with a Christmas tree full of presents. And Bacon. The madman did not know which one was better yet, he would have to wait for everyone else in the house to wake up and open them. But for the time being, he enjoyed his bacon the most.

Christmas Bacon was for sure the best Bacon, just because it was made on Christmas. And because of that, he was thankful for everything else he had.

The End

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