Taug was a great warrior who hailed from a village of people who lived in the trees, that lay on the side of the great mountain. The village lived and prospered among the trees for many generations. All the food was provided to them by the earth. No one ever starved because the Earth always gave what was necessary for them to eat. They carved homes out of the ground and in the treetops. They lived long and well.

There may have been enemies of the village people, but this was all part of the way things were on the Earth, and the village people accepted it. A circle of life, between them and others.

And of course, there were the gods.

The gods were something different. Huge giants of untold strength and intellect. The gods did as they willed, and didn’t ask anybody for permission. Sometimes the gods would interfere with the likes of other peoples villages. Not many creatures on Earth could question the gods and their ways and receive any answers. Not many could fight them without being destroyed in return

The gods did much to their own liking. Some creatures were taken in as slaves by the gods, kept as servants, while others were slaughtered mercilessly.

One day, the gods drew a great line in the mountain, with huge brushes that knocked down many of their trees. The line stretched infinitely in either direction, and as the earth was destroyed, nothing knew grew where the gods claimed this land. It was understood that no one was allowed to cross that line, except the gods, for it was cursed. Many of those who tried to cross, died. The gods would come riding down on clouds from nowhere, and destroy everyone who trespassed on their territory. Only a few had ever survived the crossing

When people thought the gods were stepping out of line, many did nothing to stop them. There was not much they could do. The gods had mysterious powers no one understood. They found ways to poison others or bring plagues to entire tribes using strange magic that cursed their lands. Sometimes, starting legendary fires that consumed everything.

It was foretold by a famed and respected seer of Taug’s village, that soon the gods would leave their homeland, and seek to destroy their village to make a new one where they lived. That the gods would seek to poison their water, and steal the trees that gave them food. The seer died being laughed at. ‘The Gods will not move pass their line,’ said the people, ‘They may have great power, but they know their place in this world.’

As Taug grew up, he always remembered the seers words long after he died, but never took them to heart. No one did. At least, until the gods did come, and they did take their trees from their mountain, and much of their food with it.

The village people were distraught. None of them dared enter the line of the gods to challenge them for taking their trees; but something had to be done, and soon, because they began to starve.

Taug, frustrated at the suffering of his people, stood up and shouted, “I will cross the line of the gods! I will bring back food from the foot of the mountain, to help feed our starving people!” The village thought he was mad. But Taug was not discouraged, and asked for companions on this perilous journey.

Two of his closest friends rose to his aid, inspired by his bravery. As they prepared for their journey, many tried to sway their decision to go. Many cried at their parting. But they all gave their brave heroes their blessing before they left.

When our three heroes came upon the great line of the gods, they were very cautious. They payed much respect to the wind- Superstition said that the wind would tell them beforehand if the gods were coming out on their clouds or not. The wind could not always be trusted, though, because sometimes the wind had lied.

As they dared to cross the giant chasm of jagged rocks, they did it pensively. Then, as nothing happened their first few steps, their hearts minds became relieved. The wind gave them no signs of death from either east nor west.

But they came halfway through the rocky gap, a slow, great roar appeared from the east end of the horizon. Fear had pierced all of their hearts. They had froze in sheer horror. Time had seemed to slow, more and more, as a large cloud appeared from edge of the sky. The roar growing ever greater.

Zeus by briankrobinsonTaug broke from his paralysis; “RUN!” he screamed, “RUN BEFORE THEY CATCH US!” They all broke from their frozen state, and began to run. But it was only a moment too late, as one of the companions was struck dead by the passing god.

Taug and his other companion had made it, without realizing that their friend had been claimed by the gods wrath. Only a midst their celebration that they had passed with their lives, did they realize one of them was missing.

The other companion tried to run back to his village brother to see if he could save him, but Taug had held him back. He told him that it was to late, that they had to leave him their, and continue to the foot of the mountain for food. ‘That is what he would want us to do’ he said. His companion reluctantly accepted, and only after much grieving.

After beaten by many hours of travel, they had reached the foot of the mountain were the food lay. They collected food, but during their scavenging, they noticed things they had never seen before. Things they did not understand, that confused them, and struck an eerie feeling into their hearts.

“What is this?” Taugs companion exclaimed, “I’ve never seen the likes of any of this before in my life!”

Taug didn’t answer. He had seen many things in his life, but this had made him speechless. He didn’t like what he saw, strange formations made of things not of this earth. Colors not seen, and shapes and symbols of an alien origin he didn’t know.

He didn’t want to understand, and instead hurried his companion to collect all the food he could, so that they could leave this cursed land and return home

And they made great haste to finish their work. But before they could, a strange creature had appeared out of the shadows. A monstrous beast they had never encountered before. Greater than 20 of them in size, covered in jagged black fur, with a bony jaw as large as both their bodies combined, filled with razor sharp teeth. It stood on four muscle-ridden legs, and it slowly approached them with a maddening stare, and an equally frightening grin. Saliva had dripped from its smile. No doubt they knew it wanted to eat them. They were frozen in fear, yet again.

The beast let out a large bark that had wrecked their ears. Taugs companion was seized by his reflexes, dropped everything, and ran. The beast took initiative, and followed at a lightning pace. His large size seemed to matter little, for he was almost as fast as they were. Taug, still carrying his food, ran in the direction they had gone, trying to distract the beast from his friend- but to no avail.

Hope seemed to capture them both as his companion used his skills to climb up the side a nearby tree to escape; but the climb had only slowed him down, being torn and tired from the days travels. The beast had caught up within a manner of seconds, and claimed his life.

Taug then became angered, and shouted at the beast in rage. The gargantuan creature turned his head around, and stared at him. Until that point, he seemed to forget that Taug was there at all. Now he could see the look in the beasts eyes; the look of a predator locking onto his prey, a moment before he begins his relentless pursuit. Taug was no doubt brave, but he was wise enough to know a mistake when he saw once. Unfortunately for him, he saw his mistake far too late.

The beast, seeming to carry no fatigue from the previous hunt, began leaping towards Taug with a frightening speed. Taug knew that if he wanted to live, that he had to drop everything and run. And run he did.

He ran into the woods. Instinct had told him to jump up into the trees, but he knew that would be a fatal mistake. His best chance was to run and lose him in the thickness of the trees. He could not look back to see where the beast was, that would only slow him down. He had to keep running. Run until he could run no more.

The beast had not given up, or lost Taug at all. Before Taug knew how much time had passed, he saw that he was coming up to the rocky chasm of the gods. For a second Taug saw hope. If he could make it passed there in safety, he would be able to loose the beast, for surely he wouldn’t be foolish enough to cross over with him, and risk death by the hands of the gods.

He did not look back, but he could hear the beast gaining on him.

And when he came to it, run across the great gap he did. Taug was elated that he was almost home, and going to make it out alive. Over halfway through the chasm, he stopped to catch his breath, he was sure he could take a small break, and look behind him to see the beast pensively waiting for him on the other side.

But to Taug’s surprise, the beast was not dismayed by the territory like he was. He had continued to pursue him, with the same ferocity in his eyes at the start of the chase.

At that moment, Taug had given up. He could run no more. He had done everything he could, and had failed in his mission. It was time to accept his fate. All fear left him, and he stood, upright and still; only breathing.

And from the horizon, he heard a large roar. He knew that roar well; it was the roar of the gods. The gods and their dark cloud came swiftly and with great thunder- But this one was different, it was accompanied by a large, piercing screech he had never heard before.

Some of the village people were watching then. They saw Taug trampled by the fury of the gods. They watched as the beast approached him, and walk away, disinterested in a prey he did not rightfully claim.

Most of the village would soon move to another place, but they would always remember Taug for his bravery.

And in the backseat of a Chevy Avalanche, a kid being taken back home from soccer practice, in the middle of playing a hand held game, asked his big sister what they hit.

“It was pretty scary,’ she replied back, looking at him through the rear view mirror, “We came pretty close to hitting someone’s dog, but I was able to move out of the way just in time.” She paused for a moment, then spoke again; “I think we may of hit a squirrel, though…”

She seemed pretty bummed, but she shook it off and continued home. Dinner was ready waiting for them and getting cold. Plus they had to get up for school early tomorrow. A big day of exams lay ahead of them.

So the same guy who was pretty stoned last time decided he’d get stoned again and read a book, instead of doing what he usually does and looks out at the stars. He picked “The Singularity is Near” by Ray Kurzweil called , and read it for three hours.

This was the longest three hours of his life. He felt like he had progressed a lot,  but he didn’t make it past the first 10 pages of the book. He was to busy tossing around the implications of what he was reading, in between actually reading it. He would read a paragraph, or maybe even a sentence, and stop and ponder until he remembered that he was supposed to be reading.

In the book, there were these charts of how intelligent entities and complex structures become greater in number at an exponential rate. Thats smart persons way of saying the shit grows super fast.  Really fast. And not only that, but you could mark them on a graph, and even make predictions about how fast technology was going to develop within the modern age. And they were just about always right. At least thats what the author said.

If these pictures he was looking at were true, they implied the universe was not meaningless at all, but was super-metaphysically driven to a specific purpose of some kind. Building shit! This manifested in the structures of galaxies, of solar systems, life on planets, and the technology that life created.

This was big news. Soon machines were going to become autonomous from humans and take over the world like they did in the matrix. Destruction would rain down on Earth while an elite class of rich people would travel through space to live on another planet light years away, leaving behind their desolate home world for their machine creations to thrive on what was left.

That’s not exactly what the book said, but that’s what he got out of it. He never did pick that book up again; but on the same token, it made his day job a lot easier to handle knowing that soon, the apocalypse would be here, and he would be in outer space to witness it all.


Oh look, an atom floating in empty space. I wonder what that looks similar too.

In other news, professors in astronomy still try to scare the living daylights out of their students the first day of class by throwing unbelievably large cosmic numbers at their faces. Students who are realizing that the cosmos has hermetic properties, and that super clusters of galaxies are probably chemical structures for larger (possibly organic) entities remain unphased, and would rather have a professor teaching them that they are cosmonauts- instead of specs of dust.

People showed up to Wall Street to stand around and hold a sign. Not just any kind of sign though;  a funny sign. Maybe a sign with a pun, possibly eluding to ‘something more’ in terms of layers of meaning- with a dick joke in it, even.

Everyone wanted everyone else to know about their sign. If the signs weren’t funny, they were really vague. If they weren’t really vague, they had nothing to do with the protest (See “I Shaved my balls for this?!/bring back crystal pepsi!” guy). Most of them were economically or politically orientated. Others, not so much.

Some people made signs that broke the fourth wall and talked about the sign, on the sign. Because, you know, why not?

After they all showed up with their signs, they then took a bunch of pictures of themselves holding their signs, and then put those pictures of them and their signs on the internet. Everyone on the internet couldn’t stop talking about those signs, and how neat they were. They thought they were so neat, that everyone on the internet made their own signs. They were the best signs I had ever seen.

For a second there, the signs made me feel like we got some real work done out there. It was like everyone had there own personal blurb, their own chip on their shoulder, said anything that came to their mind, and that none of the signs had any strict coherence between them as to what course of action should be taken with whatever the hell it was they were all complaining about.

And hell, imagine the huge cleanup bill that the 1% of the rich people are going to have to cover for when everyone goes back home and leaves all their signs and trash in the streets. Wallstreet wont know what hit’em.

(Old Grammar Nazi flag, now retired)

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation back in 1823, it has been sending the ‘less fortunate’ members of society to concentration camps known as “Public School” to mould their minds into a specific shape, where ‘proper’ spelling takes a key role in thought process and daily life.  In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but ‘correctly’. The alternative to this is living a life of poverty. And while this may seem drastic,  many humans who go through grammatical education have no problem spitting on them in the street while they starve, because they forgot to put a period at the end of the classic “Why Lie I? Need a Beer.” sign.

In even more recent years, the practice of Grammar Nazism has received much criticism from the lower class, who are tired of getting spit on, as a result of the world has become more ‘democratized’. This governmental transformation into a more humanistic social structure centered around fairness and equality has given the illiterates the impression that they actually think they deserve a voice.

One event that has brought considerable attention to the nature of such practices was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work: During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing for his boss. At first it was a mere exchange of words; ‘hey,’ he said, ‘you spelt this word here wrong, there’s an apostrophe in it’. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries, a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich, and one of those bulky/oddly put together key chains with a mix of keys and key chain paraphernalia on it.

“It’s a horrible thing to go through, and it’s not the first time this has happened” said the Arby’s cashier, whose name will be omitted, “Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they’re supposed to or not, and they immediately raise their voice and shout out; “YOU USED THE WRONG ‘THERE/THEIR/THEY’RE’!” And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff. It’s terrifying, and it makes you feel a little of destroyed on the inside.

Grammar Nazism sometimes makes appearances in the form of graffiti

“It’s all the same word to me,” he continued, “It’s the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I’ve seen so many people just float right by the wrong ‘they’re/there/their’ without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi’s who run this country look like crazy zealots who need serious counseling.”

Efforts to render Grammar Nazism as a form of OCD  in the next DSM have so far lead to nothing more than semi-lively debates among psychiatrists about what constitutes a mental disorder. Most have agreed that because the neurotic obsession of correcting peoples grammar is well within social norms, that its an OK neuroses to have.

In other news, some of the more radical groups on the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event at arby’s. A representative from one of the more predominant groups had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

“This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or of what they call ‘error’. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the ‘err’ of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; “No! “Ain’t” is a word, damnit! I will say ‘me and drake’- not ‘drake and I’, all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of common phrases I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, like ‘Everytime’ or ‘Eachother’,  regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary as such. ‘Wanna’, ‘gonna’, ‘gotta’ are all proper contractions. What makes a word and a sentence real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own artistic and communal creation, instead of seeking the rigid and tyrannical approval of the Grammar Nazi’s!”

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and now leave you with his one lined response we received from him to reach your own conclusions about the matter:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Bro, like, get this shit right here. Right here, bro. Listen to me. I’m thinkin like this, yo. They tell us the universe is all big and shit, right? Like, its absolutely huge. So big that we can’t even see the end of it, and its farther than we can hope to travel within a billion-fucking-lifetimes.  That’s like, ten zeroes or somethin like that.

that’s some hardcore shit.

But get this, man. Not only is the universe mind-numbingly enormous, physicists tell us that the visible universe that we can measure is only four percent of the actual universe. Four percent. You know how much that is? Like, where our planets was once a spec of dust floating in a sea, now were like, tiny an electron in a molecule of the dust in that sea. Were billions of times tinier than we already thought we were, which was already really, really, really small to begin with.

But this is my thing, alright. How do they know if its really just 4%? Like, have they weighed and measured the whole entire universe, or just stared at it for a long time? I think, like, were less than 1% of the universe or somethin, you know? And if thats the case, how much stuff do we actually know, aside from the stuff we just think we know, and don’t really know at all?

I mean, check this shit out; we didn’t even discover oxygen till like the late 1700’s. Oxygen, bro! We didn’t know what the damn air was made of until 200 years ago. And years later, we found out the air had a limit, and that was the atmosphere. And THEN we figured out that outside that atmosphere, was literally nothing but empty space. But before all that happened, everyone was walking around and they thought they knew the truth about the atmosphere, and they were all wrong, man!

But bro, my point is like, what if we haven’t discovered ‘oxygen’ yet, in outer space? The “atmosphere” or whatever- ya dig? What if all of our celestial mechanics and shit are all wonky and under constant revision because we are embedded in this cosmic weave that we’re unaware of, and its fucken with are calculations, because we can’t take it into account.

But were also so small compared to the rest of the universe, that the cosmic weave is literally undetectable to us. Like, check it; how many ants do you know that know what a galaxy or a star is? Fuckin none, bro. They just go on there little ant business all day long. They couldn’t know if they wanted to, because they’re to little, they can’t comprehend it. They don’t even know they’re in the milky way galaxy, but they are.

We’re the same, dude! We’re little ants, and we don’t even know it! Our planet is like, an electron in an atom in a molecule in a spec of dust in an office building in some giganto-alien universe!

Shit’s heavy and what not, but I don’t know where I was goin with that. I think i’ma go fetch me some cheetos now.

One may ask of the man who believes in environmental determination, whether the assertion of such a belief is nothing but the spouting forth of words in patterns  to which he was conditioned by his environment.

-David Bohm

It is the opinion of many educated men that the universe, at its core, is a deterministic entity, with absolutely no wiggle room for chance, banana’s,  or freedom of thought. Everything, ever is the result of a tight knit chain of cause and effect events, and apparent chaos and unpredictability is just the result of ignorance.

There’s a reason people think like this.

People used to think this way because back in the day the kings wanted to rule over everything you did and twisted religious scriptures towards their favor.

“God sees everything” they would tell commoners, “and I speak for him, so if you do a bad thing, you will be PUNISHED!”

But rather than helping control people, the plan backfired, and a lot of people had a lot of sex, engaged in heavy acts of violence and made blasphemous pagan-christian christmas tree crossovers out of pure rebellion.

Amidst all the chaos and confusion, the easter bunny gave birth to the catholic church to help solve all the worlds problems

After which, the Easter bunny was nowhere to be found until the centuries later with the invention of the mall, where he magically reappeared for no reason at all.

But i digress: Skip over roughly a millennium and a holy war later, after most of that unhappy stuff happened: Many men with funny mustaches decided it was no longer healthy to follow the orders of your priest, your politician, or believe in any God. With no one around but the Monty Python sketch comedy group to argue against their points, the world fell into a godless decline were Elvis could shake his hips on television and South Park got away with saying the ‘S’ word over one hundred times over basic cable.

But alas, something was very, very wrong. Somewhere along that timeline, someone realized that with no church or diety, no one was around to hold power over their heads and tell them what to do or go to hell, and they missed that. They needed someone to tell them what to do.

Shortly after Elvis danced on television, a man named Pierre-Simon Laplace wrote a poem, and went like this:

if you knew the initial starting point of every particle in the entire universe, you could hypothetically calculate what was going to happen from then until the end of time- and because you could do that, its safe to assume that everything ever is determined (hypothetically).

How Romantic. And to believe that’s the same poem he used to snag his wife.

Point is, the universe tells you what to do. And even better than that God you had had, you didn’t even have to wait until the next life to have it happen, you were being told what to do right now.

Although to this day no one has scientifically replicated Laplace’s speculations. Ever. In fact, evidence has been shown the  contrary is true- but that hasn’t stopped people from taking their own leap of faith and accepting it as a scientific truth anyway.

But on the same level, most people who aren’t into Laplace find the idea that everything ever, from your neighbor picking his nose, you sneezing last week, and the Vietnam war, was all determined an untold number of years ago, at some “big bang”, is stupid- As they should, because it is.

Many people assume that, aside from determinate and indeterminate events, there is a third party, a quality unconditioned by either side that domesticated primates (humans) call intelligence. Intelligence gives them the ability to learn and perceive what is real from what is not real, and gives them the option to pick out what they want out of the infinite possibilities the world provides them. If we did live in a world were everything was determined, all observations of that fact would be ultimately meaningless. With no third party perspective, how would you even be able to tell whats what? Buddha only knows that the universe could be lying to you.

In a truly deterministic world, not only are all your emotions, biology and actions of every waking second determined- but argument, scientific experiments and logical thought are all results of that exact same process. Everything you ‘see’, ‘believe’, and ‘discover’ was all really pre-ordained 14 billion years ago.

Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. What matters is that you believe it- because you ‘have to’. The logic behind all of this is probably why determinists are so hard to convince otherwise; but at the same time why they are all completely wrong.