Posts Tagged ‘grammar’

(Old Grammar Nazi flag, now retired)

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation back in 1823, it has been sending the ‘less fortunate’ members of society to concentration camps known as “Public School” to mould their minds into a specific shape, where ‘proper’ spelling takes a key role in thought process and daily life.  In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but ‘correctly’. The alternative to this is living a life of poverty. And while this may seem drastic,  many humans who go through grammatical education have no problem spitting on them in the street while they starve, because they forgot to put a period at the end of the classic “Why Lie I? Need a Beer.” sign.

In even more recent years, the practice of Grammar Nazism has received much criticism from the lower class, who are tired of getting spit on, as a result of the world has become more ‘democratized’. This governmental transformation into a more humanistic social structure centered around fairness and equality has given the illiterates the impression that they actually think they deserve a voice.

One event that has brought considerable attention to the nature of such practices was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work: During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing for his boss. At first it was a mere exchange of words; ‘hey,’ he said, ‘you spelt this word here wrong, there’s an apostrophe in it’. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries, a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich, and one of those bulky/oddly put together key chains with a mix of keys and key chain paraphernalia on it.

“It’s a horrible thing to go through, and it’s not the first time this has happened” said the Arby’s cashier, whose name will be omitted, “Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they’re supposed to or not, and they immediately raise their voice and shout out; “YOU USED THE WRONG ‘THERE/THEIR/THEY’RE’!” And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff. It’s terrifying, and it makes you feel a little of destroyed on the inside.

Grammar Nazism sometimes makes appearances in the form of graffiti

“It’s all the same word to me,” he continued, “It’s the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I’ve seen so many people just float right by the wrong ‘they’re/there/their’ without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi’s who run this country look like crazy zealots who need serious counseling.”

Efforts to render Grammar Nazism as a form of OCD  in the next DSM have so far lead to nothing more than semi-lively debates among psychiatrists about what constitutes a mental disorder. Most have agreed that because the neurotic obsession of correcting peoples grammar is well within social norms, that its an OK neuroses to have.

In other news, some of the more radical groups on the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event at arby’s. A representative from one of the more predominant groups had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

“This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or of what they call ‘error’. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the ‘err’ of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; “No! “Ain’t” is a word, damnit! I will say ‘me and drake’- not ‘drake and I’, all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of common phrases I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, like ‘Everytime’ or ‘Eachother’,  regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary as such. ‘Wanna’, ‘gonna’, ‘gotta’ are all proper contractions. What makes a word and a sentence real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own artistic and communal creation, instead of seeking the rigid and tyrannical approval of the Grammar Nazi’s!”

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and now leave you with his one lined response we received from him to reach your own conclusions about the matter:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

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