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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

ankylosaur_trex

This is Eddie getting in a fight with Bojangles the T-Rex

So I was hanging out with my Dinosaur buddy Eddie. He’s an Ankylosaurus. A real smart Ankylosaurus. We’re pretty much best friends. He likes eating food and smashing toy soldiers like I do. One day me and Eddie were getting into a heated discussion about origin of the universe. I was very convinced that the universe was essentially a giant Oreo(I had Oreo’s and milk for a snack for lunch that day). Eddie told me that I was wrong, and said that the kosmos (I think thats how you spell it) was 17.23 billion years old, and began at the big-bang, and was definitely not an Oreo.

A little background on Edward; Eddie is like a hundred million years old. When he was resurrected through fossil DNA. They tested how smart he was, and he aced all there tests, and even got high scores on the ASVAB. Because Eddie was a bit different, the government offered him a place in our human world if he would just help them with their science program. It was either that, or a lifetime of being experimented on.

So naturally, Eddie became a scientist.

My name is Tommy. I’m only twelve. I go to a magnet school for mathematics. I met Eddie at an Iron-Man booth at a local Comic Con; which is the last place you’d expect to make friends with a dinosaur. But apparently Eddie likes super-heroes a whole lot.

We were at the park when the argument first started: “The Scientific-Method is the ultimate tool for knowledge and understand.” Eddie tells me. “It’s the best because we only believe in things that can be replicated by controlled experiment and rigorous blah blah blah.” Eddie likes to use big words to try and confuse me, but I see through his antics. “-We’ve been able to ascertain through radiation readings through our high-end techno-satellites that the universe used to be the a condensed to the size of golf-ball eons ago.”

“I don’t think we should believe in the big-bang,” I say, shooting one toy soldier with another. “We only think it exists because of some dumb satellites say that everything we see is moving away from us. How do we know we can trust them? They’ve changed the age of the universe seventy-gajillion times in the past century. That just tells us how much we don’t know.”

“But we only know what we know because of Science!”

“And as our knowledge grows, so does our understanding of the universe. We think the universe is just a ‘sploded golf-ball. But I think that the universe is a ginormous ocean. And in that ocean, there is an Oreo. That is were we live-  that is why we call this place the milky way.”

“That’s incredulous” Eddie says, all snooty. Then his tummy rumbles. “I’m getting hungry, do you wanna get a slurpee?”

“That sounds awesome!” We high five, and he picks me up by his tail and places me on his back. We started heading towards 7-11.

“Your a smart kid Tommy, how could you believe that we inhabit an Oreo when clearly, according to our science, the universe is expanding? How do Oreo’s expand?”

“Because the Oreo is in an ocean, dummy. So its getting soggy. It only looks like its expanding, when really its crumbling, like its in a cup of milk.  You scientists only believe what you see; but when the cookie crumbles, we will see the truth.”

“Meta-physical bollocks.” His tummy rumbles again. “Prove it to me with evidence.”

“Evidence? You’ve never replicated putting the whole universe into a golf-ball. Tell me how that even makes sense. Ever seen a golf-ball ‘splode into the universe? No. Because its stoopid. I’ve watched a cookie crumble in milk. Boom!” my hands go out making an explosion. “In your face, dino-dumb-head!

“As above, so below.” Eddie whispered to himself, almost like a question. I don’t know what that means. But he sounded like he was coming around. Eddie is a bit prideful, so I’m not going to rub it in. I’m thirsty, so I grab onto his horns and jump on his head.

“Arguing is boring,” I announce, “Lets race to the 7-11!”

“Yeah, That sounds like fun! FOR THE IRON-MAN!”

“Yeah! FOR IRON-MAN!!!”

Eddie bucked up on his hind legs and let out a primeval dinosaur roar, scaring away all the pedestrians as he dashed off into the distance towards our Slurpee delights, smashing everything in his path.

The Slurpees were real good.

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Francis Bacon- Inventor of Christmas, Modern Science, and Bacon. A true American Hero.

It was the 25th of December, or Christmas morning, and our hero was eating breakfast alone.

He didn’t realize he had the day off until halfway through making his eggs. And in any other scenario, realizing you don’t have to be up at such an ungodly hour in the morning would drive most people back to bed, and wait for everyone else to wake up to open Christmas presents.

Most people would of changed their mind after cooking up three strips of bacon.

So there he sat, all by himself at the table, eating breakfast. From the outside looking in, this would seem kind of dreary. But not to the man eating breakfast. This is because the man eating breakfast was a bit mad, and everything looks interesting to people who are mad. Always

On this particular Christmas morning he was wondering how he became to be so mad. On some days he blamed the weather, on others he blamed the law of parity- (if there was a difference between the two). But on this specific Christmas morning, he decided to blame his third grade science teacher, who was the first person to teach him that temperature was just another word for motion.

In other words, how hot or cold something was depended on how fast the matter was moving.

For example, cold rocks were ‘still’ by most peoples standards. But our hero could only look at a rock and see trillions of clashing atoms that made the appearance of a rock.

This type of thinking, if done frequently, will blow your mind. In fact it could make you mad.

“SLOW DOWN!!” the madman snapped and drew his hand back. He accidentally put his hand on the hot part of his stove when he was cooking.

“How about no,” replied the stove, “Do you want eggs with that bacon or not?”

The madman barked at the stove over from the sink, which was running cold water over his wounded palm. “Don’t be a smart ass,” he fumed “And I suppose I do- But I’m warning you,” he pointed at the stove with his good hand, “you give me anymore trouble and I’m replacing you with one o those induction cook tops!”

An induction cook top isn’t going to save you from being an idiot,” the stove whispered under his breathe.

“What was that?!”

“I said quit being a baby and lets cook some eggs.”

They madman and the stove resolved their conflict. Thankfully he bought a model that covered up his sarcasm and wit with its people skills. Otherwise the madman would be out of a stove, and the stove would be out of a good home.

Temperature was not the only thing his third grade teacher taught him about. The next week she gave a rather life changing lesson about the earth’s revolutions around the sun. This was nothing new to the child, this was something everyone learned when they were growing up. But this teacher decided to be different-

“Did you know that the Earth is rotating” she would remark to her pupils, “at a speed of One Thousand miles per hour?!

All the other children would drop their jaws. “WOW!” they would gasp, “Thats so cool!!”

All the children except the one that would become mad.

SCIENCE!!!

One thousands miles per hour was way. too. fast.

“What else can you teach us?” shouted one of his classmates.

“YEAH! Teach us more!” shouted another.

The child was already scared out of his mind. Paralyzed with fear. Why did learning have to hurt?

And that’s when she dropped the bomb, and disclosed to the whole class that as they thought they were ‘sitting still’, the Earth was orbiting around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour.

That did it, the child snapped. More than just a snap, he screamed at the top of his lungs. Squealed. Bellowed. Boomed. Exclaimed in fear. Most people can’t comprehend such sizes and speeds. But somehow, for a split second, somewhere in the neuro-chemistry of his brain, the child had the day-lights scared out  of him. And he made sure the whole school had heard him. And after everyone gathered their wits, they tried to calm him down.

This worked eventually, but this had struck a deep personal fear in him of motion of any kind that he would not get rid of for years to come, until he was in his mid to late teens.

He was so torn up by this ground shaking event, that year he actually sent a letter to Santa Claus with detailed blueprints on how to bring the Earth to a complete halt so that everything could return to normal, and told him to not bother with giving him any other ‘gifts’ unless it somehow involved his plans.

He didn’t get anything back for weeks, which told him that Santa was doing his job as usual. But On Christmas day he received a personal letter from Santa Claus which read:

Dear Child,

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stop the Earths for you. It’s not ‘normal’, let alone possible. I can understand your fear. Sort of. The world is a big scary place, but let me tell you that the worlds motion is the last thing you need to be afraid of.

I didn’t get you anything else this year because you said not to. And I only did what you said because you were on the Nice List. Have a merry Christmas.

Sincerly,
Santa Claus

P.S.

Thanks for the cookies.

This did not make the child happy, But there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually, he would overcome his fear. After he realized that this was the nature of the universe and there was truly nothing he could do about it, he went off the deep end and kicked it off by flying a small plane, riding a roller coaster, and buying a motorcycle all in the same day.

Every once in a while, though, he thought about how the world was spinning. He didn’t do this to strike fear in himself. Rather he did it because it made things more hilarious.

For example, when a person trips and falls on their face, most people laugh just because its funny all by itself. But i is a scientific fact that its funnier is when someone trips while they are on a moving object, like a treadmillt. The Madman didn’t see a reason not to laugh extra hard when he saw someone trip on normal ground. Cause after all, they were really tripping on a walking ball. Albeit an earth-sized ball. Still, its funny. You should try it some time.

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Spoiler alert: The shoe hits him in the face.

Science was now a coping mechanism. Whenever something bad happened, it was easier to blame science rather than the folly of people. On one Christmas Eve, the madman went road on his bike down a two lane street, and was struck by a car that, for whatever reason, decided to leave its own lane on a two way street, and enter his. He did a front flip over the car and broke his arm landing on the ground. His bike had been totaled, and the car left the scene after they had assessed the situation was not favorable for them or their insurance.

For most people, it was all to reasonable to get mad at the driver of the car. But the Scientist new better.

“What the heck, man?”  he yelled at the ground. He began to get snappy with the Earth, “You know, people tell me to keep it positive and all the crap, but  sometimes its hard not to see how you’re not the source of all of my problems.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally, bud” replied the Earth in a low toned voice, ” I just think it would be safer if you drove cars for a while instead, they’re a lot safer. I mean, it could be worse. You could be dead.”

The madman looked at his arm, which by all appearances, was pretty mangled.

I suppose that’s fair enough” he returned. The Earth was very wise. Maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all.

Bacon-photo-1024x764

“Hey Earth?” he chimed back.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for the catch.”

“Anytime bud.”

One whole Christmas later, the Earth decided to repay him with a Christmas tree full of presents. And Bacon. The madman did not know which one was better yet, he would have to wait for everyone else in the house to wake up and open them. But for the time being, he enjoyed his bacon the most.

Christmas Bacon was for sure the best Bacon, just because it was made on Christmas. And because of that, he was thankful for everything else he had.

The End

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Today were going to learn how to be a pessimist. Pessimism is unique to domesticated primates, and does not currently exist in any other species known in the universe. If this is your first time studying these creatures, and you don’t know what pessimism is, let me give you a quick definition before we go any further:

Pessimism*
noun

A person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.

There you have it in a simple nutshell. In more general terms, a pessimist is simply someone who thinks that life is all around bad. Rotten to the core. Maybe even not worth living at all. For whatever reason, some domesticated primates believe this so strongly, that they have conditioned there nervous systems day in and day out to see nothing but negativity. Not everyone sees it that way. Others like to think that they are just people who like to make up excuses to be losers or assholes.

The debate about who is right or wrong is a topic for another time. The real meat of the matter, how pessimists actively become and maintain their pessimism, is by following these 4 easy steps.

Step One: Assume the worst of the world.

This right here is key. Whether you know it or not, you train your brain everyday by consciously deciding what to pay attention to. It is now your mission to pay attention to everything that is wrong with the world, and train your brain to pick up all the bad things that are going on in your life.  If you do not assume the worst, when the worst happens, sometimes it may seem like it’ll pass you by.

Remember, you are in the worst position you could ever be in, and you are out to prove it.

Step Two: When the worst happens, you totally saw that coming.

Something bad just happened. This is no surprise to you. You expected as much. But now that it happened, it is time to change your body language to emphasis it to yourself and others. Look down. Slump your shoulders. Talk in a deeper, more melancholic tone. Start whining about other problems from the past, regardless of how relevant they are to your current situation- It should all be relevant simply because this stuff always happens to you.

To some, your negative outlook on life may seem like gritty realism. Do not be fooled, this is just how you have trained your brain to see the world. There is not as much realism behind it as you like to think.

Step Three: When good stuff happens, take it for granted. 

This is also a key step, but it will come more or less naturally when you make a habit of steps one and two. So you don’t necessarily have to make an effort for this one (or anything, for that matter). More and more you will find yourself squashing good opportunities and good events in your life out of cynicism, or maybe even laziness. This will stop you from improving upon your horrible situation with any visible effectiveness; keeping you hopeless and down, just like you’re supposed to be.

Besides, you’re probably anticipating that something bad will happen anyway. This is because it will. Something bad is always guaranteed to happen. This is because the universe oscillates between positive and negative, black and white, and good and bad, all the times. But this fact should be ignored when thinking negatively. The point to being a pessimist is bringing out the negative in life more than the positive, not actually making objective measurements of whats actually there.

Step Four: Lower your standards.

This is not so much a step, as it is rock bottom. You will have lots of these. You may even jump into them willingly. You will come to find that because you keep expecting bad things to happen, more and more you voluntarily participate in them because your brain does not believe there is anything better out there for you. You may also start hanging out with around other primates who do not have your best interest at heart, and doing things that you know may lead to bad consequences for the sake of short term bursts of ecstasy, rather than building things with the goal of long term benefits and success.

At this point, the pessimism will come easy. There doesn’t seem to be anything in your life that isn’t entropy. Things are always being torn down more than they are being built. And depending on how dedicated you are to your bad attitude, some of this destruction may or may not be directly your fault. But even if it is, you have full permission to blame all the world for your problems.

Congratulations! You’re now a pessimist!

See, now that was easy. All’s it takes to be good at being bad at life is doing it yourself, and repeating these four steps over and over. And if you do continue to repeat them, it is guaranteed that you will soon be consumed in a pit of negativity that will affect every aspect of your life.

The side effects of this include festering with guilt, sadness, and regret. And (statistically speaking) your lifespan will now be shortened; your mental and physical health will degrade faster and faster over time; you will also become more prone to disease, and more likely to succumb to fatal effects of terminal illness- and these are just a few of the perks you will receive with your new found attitude and powers of negative foresight.

(Disclaimer: All of these effects may be significantly reversed by polarizing your thought and taking sufficient action in the opposite direction by doing more positive, constructive things with your time and energy.)

*Being a pessimist may or not actually increase the chances of the worst actually happening to you. “The Worst” is a term that varies by definition from person to person. You do not need any bad experiences to be a pessimist, but a usually helps to try and build your resume before you become one.

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Dear Premonitions,

You know, we’ve known each other a long time. And you’re good at what you do, you really are. I can safely say you’ve even saved me a couple of times from rather bad situations. Man, there have been some close ones, haven’t there?

That foresight stuff is a great thing to have: I suppose I do want you to tone things down a bit, though. Of course, its real nice being able to see ’round corners and what not, But I really do enjoy the few surprises I get, and you are ruining them for me.

I mean, at first it was kind of cool. I remember that one time when you told me that one of my friends put mayonnaise in my shoe, and I thought you were lying and put my shoes on anyway; because you know, who does that? That was pretty funny, because the answer turned out to be my friends. Haha. And that one time you told me not to eat some of that restaurant food, and I didn’t, and everyone who did got food poisoning. Really, that was awesome stuff. But seriously now, sometimes these things get ridiculousness.

One day I woke up and my roommate  was gone, and you told me he went to the grocery store to get groceries. And that on the list of his groceries was parmesan cheese. Even though he hates the stuff, he was getting it for me- because I asked for it 5 months ago. I don’t care to know why he did it then, I just want to know why I had to know that 15 minutes before he got home. It could have waited, and I wouldn’t have to fake being surprised, and come off as an asshole. Now I have parmesan cheese, but my roommate thinks i’m an ungrateful dick.

Thanks to you I can tell when my cats gonna from out of no where and claw my leg (I don’t even fight that anymore, I have accepted that this is a mark of love). You can do all that, thats cool, but I draw the line when I’m stuck in an elevator, and I can tell when someones about to fart and  leave 3 floors before I have to get off. That upsets me. It really does. It’s bad enough that the fart is already kinda unnecessary, but it’s completely unnecessary for me to have to know about it beforehand. WTF is that about?

I wish you would of taken that incident and traded it for that one time I walked in on my step mom having sex with her boyfriend. Could of saved me a facial tick and an awkward conversation later on in time.

Although, I do appreciate it when you let me know when my friends or family are going to be mad or happy with me, weeks prior to any particular reason why. This helps me brace myself, in one way or another, for things to come. I do not appreciate it, however, when you don’t let me know it may involve a car wreck, or something else that I think is preventable. That is not nice. In fact it kind of hurts.

This message isn’t all about doom and gloom and dissatisfaction. I also need to thank you for some stuff. Thanks to you, I have learned firsthand that time is not linear. I also worry about dumb shit a lot less. On top of that, you also taught me that the universe is so dynamic it is able to maintain being deterministic and non-deterministic at the same time- and somewhere in there I can pull whatever I want out of thin air. I mean, I still don’t get it, but hey, I’m just a small termite floating in the cosmos, right? Maybe i’m not supposed to understand.

You also aided me in developing an advanced lay-understanding of physics, psychology, philosophy, religion, and gave me an unbreakable concern for all humanity, all by the time I was 14. I’m pretty grateful for that, because now that I got all that shit out of the way when I was younger, people think I’m cool and smart. Never thought that would ever happen.

I also came to enjoy being an empathic, hormonal teenager cluttered together with a bunch of other hormonal teenagers like myself in a public school. Sure it was torture at first, but perceiving everyone’s invisible joys and woes will change your perspective really fast- teaches you that you don’t have much to complain about. Also, that no one is normal in the least, so I guess I’m ok being a bit of a freak.

But have you ever tried focusing on your classwork, and the girl next to you is on her period, or instead you’re next to the emo kid who has six notebooks full of rearranged lyrics from that band Hawthorne Heights, and you can hear their thoughts? It’s hard, but it is possible- if you are in the lotus position. But that’s extremely difficult to maintain in a school desk. I did it once, but got sent to the office for breaking a rule in the student handbook. Why is the school anti-buddhist, you ask? Read the handbook, and it will tell you. Something about discouraging non-curricular ‘enlightenment’ prior to receiving your degree, or something like that. It was total bs; and it may of had to do with why I dropped out.

But I digress, I think its safe to say that I turned out relatively normal for all the things we’ve been through. I just wanted to say that its been nice having you around this long. I hope that in the future, we can get more stuff done. Thanks for everything. Really, I mean it. Lets just try to be more practical in the future, and no more extra-sensory-perception for grocery lists or other peoples flatulence. That shits weird.

Sincerely,
Bob

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Taug was a great warrior who hailed from a village of people who lived in the trees, that lay on the side of the great mountain. The village lived and prospered among the trees for many generations. All the food was provided to them by the earth. No one ever starved because the Earth always gave what was necessary for them to eat. They carved homes out of the ground and in the treetops. They lived long and well.

There may have been enemies of the village people, but this was all part of the way things were on the Earth, and the village people accepted it. A circle of life, between them and others.

And of course, there were the gods.

The gods were something different. Huge giants of untold strength and intellect. The gods did as they willed, and didn’t ask anybody for permission. Sometimes the gods would interfere with the likes of other peoples villages. Not many creatures on Earth could question the gods and their ways and receive any answers. Not many could fight them without being destroyed in return

The gods did much to their own liking. Some creatures were taken in as slaves by the gods, kept as servants, while others were slaughtered mercilessly.

One day, the gods drew a great line in the mountain, with huge brushes that knocked down many of their trees. The line stretched infinitely in either direction, and as the earth was destroyed, nothing knew grew where the gods claimed this land. It was understood that no one was allowed to cross that line, except the gods, for it was cursed. Many of those who tried to cross, died. The gods would come riding down on clouds from nowhere, and destroy everyone who trespassed on their territory. Only a few had ever survived the crossing

When people thought the gods were stepping out of line, many did nothing to stop them. There was not much they could do. The gods had mysterious powers no one understood. They found ways to poison others or bring plagues to entire tribes using strange magic that cursed their lands. Sometimes, starting legendary fires that consumed everything.

It was foretold by a famed and respected seer of Taug’s village, that soon the gods would leave their homeland, and seek to destroy their village to make a new one where they lived. That the gods would seek to poison their water, and steal the trees that gave them food. The seer died being laughed at. ‘The Gods will not move pass their line,’ said the people, ‘They may have great power, but they know their place in this world.’

As Taug grew up, he always remembered the seers words long after he died, but never took them to heart. No one did. At least, until the gods did come, and they did take their trees from their mountain, and much of their food with it.

The village people were distraught. None of them dared enter the line of the gods to challenge them for taking their trees; but something had to be done, and soon, because they began to starve.

Taug, frustrated at the suffering of his people, stood up and shouted, “I will cross the line of the gods! I will bring back food from the foot of the mountain, to help feed our starving people!” The village thought he was mad. But Taug was not discouraged, and asked for companions on this perilous journey.

Two of his closest friends rose to his aid, inspired by his bravery. As they prepared for their journey, many tried to sway their decision to go. Many cried at their parting. But they all gave their brave heroes their blessing before they left.

When our three heroes came upon the great line of the gods, they were very cautious. They payed much respect to the wind- Superstition said that the wind would tell them beforehand if the gods were coming out on their clouds or not. The wind could not always be trusted, though, because sometimes the wind had lied.

As they dared to cross the giant chasm of jagged rocks, they did it pensively. Then, as nothing happened their first few steps, their hearts minds became relieved. The wind gave them no signs of death from either east nor west.

But they came halfway through the rocky gap, a slow, great roar appeared from the east end of the horizon. Fear had pierced all of their hearts. They had froze in sheer horror. Time had seemed to slow, more and more, as a large cloud appeared from edge of the sky. The roar growing ever greater.

Zeus by briankrobinsonTaug broke from his paralysis; “RUN!” he screamed, “RUN BEFORE THEY CATCH US!” They all broke from their frozen state, and began to run. But it was only a moment too late, as one of the companions was struck dead by the passing god.

Taug and his other companion had made it, without realizing that their friend had been claimed by the gods wrath. Only a midst their celebration that they had passed with their lives, did they realize one of them was missing.

The other companion tried to run back to his village brother to see if he could save him, but Taug had held him back. He told him that it was to late, that they had to leave him their, and continue to the foot of the mountain for food. ‘That is what he would want us to do’ he said. His companion reluctantly accepted, and only after much grieving.

After beaten by many hours of travel, they had reached the foot of the mountain were the food lay. They collected food, but during their scavenging, they noticed things they had never seen before. Things they did not understand, that confused them, and struck an eerie feeling into their hearts.

“What is this?” Taugs companion exclaimed, “I’ve never seen the likes of any of this before in my life!”

Taug didn’t answer. He had seen many things in his life, but this had made him speechless. He didn’t like what he saw, strange formations made of things not of this earth. Colors not seen, and shapes and symbols of an alien origin he didn’t know.

He didn’t want to understand, and instead hurried his companion to collect all the food he could, so that they could leave this cursed land and return home

And they made great haste to finish their work. But before they could, a strange creature had appeared out of the shadows. A monstrous beast they had never encountered before. Greater than 20 of them in size, covered in jagged black fur, with a bony jaw as large as both their bodies combined, filled with razor sharp teeth. It stood on four muscle-ridden legs, and it slowly approached them with a maddening stare, and an equally frightening grin. Saliva had dripped from its smile. No doubt they knew it wanted to eat them. They were frozen in fear, yet again.

The beast let out a large bark that had wrecked their ears. Taugs companion was seized by his reflexes, dropped everything, and ran. The beast took initiative, and followed at a lightning pace. His large size seemed to matter little, for he was almost as fast as they were. Taug, still carrying his food, ran in the direction they had gone, trying to distract the beast from his friend- but to no avail.

Hope seemed to capture them both as his companion used his skills to climb up the side a nearby tree to escape; but the climb had only slowed him down, being torn and tired from the days travels. The beast had caught up within a manner of seconds, and claimed his life.

Taug then became angered, and shouted at the beast in rage. The gargantuan creature turned his head around, and stared at him. Until that point, he seemed to forget that Taug was there at all. Now he could see the look in the beasts eyes; the look of a predator locking onto his prey, a moment before he begins his relentless pursuit. Taug was no doubt brave, but he was wise enough to know a mistake when he saw once. Unfortunately for him, he saw his mistake far too late.

The beast, seeming to carry no fatigue from the previous hunt, began leaping towards Taug with a frightening speed. Taug knew that if he wanted to live, that he had to drop everything and run. And run he did.

He ran into the woods. Instinct had told him to jump up into the trees, but he knew that would be a fatal mistake. His best chance was to run and lose him in the thickness of the trees. He could not look back to see where the beast was, that would only slow him down. He had to keep running. Run until he could run no more.

The beast had not given up, or lost Taug at all. Before Taug knew how much time had passed, he saw that he was coming up to the rocky chasm of the gods. For a second Taug saw hope. If he could make it passed there in safety, he would be able to loose the beast, for surely he wouldn’t be foolish enough to cross over with him, and risk death by the hands of the gods.

He did not look back, but he could hear the beast gaining on him.

And when he came to it, run across the great gap he did. Taug was elated that he was almost home, and going to make it out alive. Over halfway through the chasm, he stopped to catch his breath, he was sure he could take a small break, and look behind him to see the beast pensively waiting for him on the other side.

But to Taug’s surprise, the beast was not dismayed by the territory like he was. He had continued to pursue him, with the same ferocity in his eyes at the start of the chase.

At that moment, Taug had given up. He could run no more. He had done everything he could, and had failed in his mission. It was time to accept his fate. All fear left him, and he stood, upright and still; only breathing.

And from the horizon, he heard a large roar. He knew that roar well; it was the roar of the gods. The gods and their dark cloud came swiftly and with great thunder- But this one was different, it was accompanied by a large, piercing screech he had never heard before.

Some of the village people were watching then. They saw Taug trampled by the fury of the gods. They watched as the beast approached him, and walk away, disinterested in a prey he did not rightfully claim.

Most of the village would soon move to another place, but they would always remember Taug for his bravery.

And in the backseat of a Chevy Avalanche, a kid being taken back home from soccer practice, in the middle of playing a hand held game, asked his big sister what they hit.

“It was pretty scary,’ she replied back, looking at him through the rear view mirror, “We came pretty close to hitting someone’s dog, but I was able to move out of the way just in time.” She paused for a moment, then spoke again; “I think we may of hit a squirrel, though…”

She seemed pretty bummed, but she shook it off and continued home. Dinner was ready waiting for them and getting cold. Plus they had to get up for school early tomorrow. A big day of exams lay ahead of them.

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People showed up to Wall Street to stand around and hold a sign. Not just any kind of sign though;  a funny sign. Maybe a sign with a pun, possibly eluding to ‘something more’ in terms of layers of meaning- with a dick joke in it, even.

Everyone wanted everyone else to know about their sign. If the signs weren’t funny, they were really vague. If they weren’t really vague, they had nothing to do with the protest (See “I Shaved my balls for this?!/bring back crystal pepsi!” guy). Most of them were economically or politically orientated. Others, not so much.

Some people made signs that broke the fourth wall and talked about the sign, on the sign. Because, you know, why not?

After they all showed up with their signs, they then took a bunch of pictures of themselves holding their signs, and then put those pictures of them and their signs on the internet. Everyone on the internet couldn’t stop talking about those signs, and how neat they were. They thought they were so neat, that everyone on the internet made their own signs. They were the best signs I had ever seen.

For a second there, the signs made me feel like we got some real work done out there. It was like everyone had there own personal blurb, their own chip on their shoulder, said anything that came to their mind, and that none of the signs had any strict coherence between them as to what course of action should be taken with whatever the hell it was they were all complaining about.

And hell, imagine the huge cleanup bill that the 1% of the rich people are going to have to cover for when everyone goes back home and leaves all their signs and trash in the streets. Wallstreet wont know what hit’em.

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(Old Grammar Nazi flag, now retired)

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation back in 1823, it has been sending the ‘less fortunate’ members of society to concentration camps known as “Public School” to mould their minds into a specific shape, where ‘proper’ spelling takes a key role in thought process and daily life.  In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but ‘correctly’. The alternative to this is living a life of poverty. And while this may seem drastic,  many humans who go through grammatical education have no problem spitting on them in the street while they starve, because they forgot to put a period at the end of the classic “Why Lie I? Need a Beer.” sign.

In even more recent years, the practice of Grammar Nazism has received much criticism from the lower class, who are tired of getting spit on, as a result of the world has become more ‘democratized’. This governmental transformation into a more humanistic social structure centered around fairness and equality has given the illiterates the impression that they actually think they deserve a voice.

One event that has brought considerable attention to the nature of such practices was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work: During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing for his boss. At first it was a mere exchange of words; ‘hey,’ he said, ‘you spelt this word here wrong, there’s an apostrophe in it’. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries, a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich, and one of those bulky/oddly put together key chains with a mix of keys and key chain paraphernalia on it.

“It’s a horrible thing to go through, and it’s not the first time this has happened” said the Arby’s cashier, whose name will be omitted, “Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they’re supposed to or not, and they immediately raise their voice and shout out; “YOU USED THE WRONG ‘THERE/THEIR/THEY’RE’!” And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff. It’s terrifying, and it makes you feel a little of destroyed on the inside.

Grammar Nazism sometimes makes appearances in the form of graffiti

“It’s all the same word to me,” he continued, “It’s the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I’ve seen so many people just float right by the wrong ‘they’re/there/their’ without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi’s who run this country look like crazy zealots who need serious counseling.”

Efforts to render Grammar Nazism as a form of OCD  in the next DSM have so far lead to nothing more than semi-lively debates among psychiatrists about what constitutes a mental disorder. Most have agreed that because the neurotic obsession of correcting peoples grammar is well within social norms, that its an OK neuroses to have.

In other news, some of the more radical groups on the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event at arby’s. A representative from one of the more predominant groups had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

“This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or of what they call ‘error’. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the ‘err’ of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; “No! “Ain’t” is a word, damnit! I will say ‘me and drake’- not ‘drake and I’, all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of common phrases I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, like ‘Everytime’ or ‘Eachother’,  regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary as such. ‘Wanna’, ‘gonna’, ‘gotta’ are all proper contractions. What makes a word and a sentence real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own artistic and communal creation, instead of seeking the rigid and tyrannical approval of the Grammar Nazi’s!”

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and now leave you with his one lined response we received from him to reach your own conclusions about the matter:

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

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