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Posts Tagged ‘science’

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This is Eddie getting in a fight with Bojangles the T-Rex

So I was hanging out with my Dinosaur buddy Eddie. He’s an Ankylosaurus. A real smart Ankylosaurus. We’re pretty much best friends. He likes eating food and smashing toy soldiers like I do. One day me and Eddie were getting into a heated discussion about origin of the universe. I was very convinced that the universe was essentially a giant Oreo(I had Oreo’s and milk for a snack for lunch that day). Eddie told me that I was wrong, and said that the kosmos (I think thats how you spell it) was 17.23 billion years old, and began at the big-bang, and was definitely not an Oreo.

A little background on Edward; Eddie is like a hundred million years old. When he was resurrected through fossil DNA. They tested how smart he was, and he aced all there tests, and even got high scores on the ASVAB. Because Eddie was a bit different, the government offered him a place in our human world if he would just help them with their science program. It was either that, or a lifetime of being experimented on.

So naturally, Eddie became a scientist.

My name is Tommy. I’m only twelve. I go to a magnet school for mathematics. I met Eddie at an Iron-Man booth at a local Comic Con; which is the last place you’d expect to make friends with a dinosaur. But apparently Eddie likes super-heroes a whole lot.

We were at the park when the argument first started: “The Scientific-Method is the ultimate tool for knowledge and understand.” Eddie tells me. “It’s the best because we only believe in things that can be replicated by controlled experiment and rigorous blah blah blah.” Eddie likes to use big words to try and confuse me, but I see through his antics. “-We’ve been able to ascertain through radiation readings through our high-end techno-satellites that the universe used to be the a condensed to the size of golf-ball eons ago.”

“I don’t think we should believe in the big-bang,” I say, shooting one toy soldier with another. “We only think it exists because of some dumb satellites say that everything we see is moving away from us. How do we know we can trust them? They’ve changed the age of the universe seventy-gajillion times in the past century. That just tells us how much we don’t know.”

“But we only know what we know because of Science!”

“And as our knowledge grows, so does our understanding of the universe. We think the universe is just a ‘sploded golf-ball. But I think that the universe is a ginormous ocean. And in that ocean, there is an Oreo. That is were we live-  that is why we call this place the milky way.”

“That’s incredulous” Eddie says, all snooty. Then his tummy rumbles. “I’m getting hungry, do you wanna get a slurpee?”

“That sounds awesome!” We high five, and he picks me up by his tail and places me on his back. We started heading towards 7-11.

“Your a smart kid Tommy, how could you believe that we inhabit an Oreo when clearly, according to our science, the universe is expanding? How do Oreo’s expand?”

“Because the Oreo is in an ocean, dummy. So its getting soggy. It only looks like its expanding, when really its crumbling, like its in a cup of milk.  You scientists only believe what you see; but when the cookie crumbles, we will see the truth.”

“Meta-physical bollocks.” His tummy rumbles again. “Prove it to me with evidence.”

“Evidence? You’ve never replicated putting the whole universe into a golf-ball. Tell me how that even makes sense. Ever seen a golf-ball ‘splode into the universe? No. Because its stoopid. I’ve watched a cookie crumble in milk. Boom!” my hands go out making an explosion. “In your face, dino-dumb-head!

“As above, so below.” Eddie whispered to himself, almost like a question. I don’t know what that means. But he sounded like he was coming around. Eddie is a bit prideful, so I’m not going to rub it in. I’m thirsty, so I grab onto his horns and jump on his head.

“Arguing is boring,” I announce, “Lets race to the 7-11!”

“Yeah, That sounds like fun! FOR THE IRON-MAN!”

“Yeah! FOR IRON-MAN!!!”

Eddie bucked up on his hind legs and let out a primeval dinosaur roar, scaring away all the pedestrians as he dashed off into the distance towards our Slurpee delights, smashing everything in his path.

The Slurpees were real good.

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And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

-Matthew 18:3

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This is Love

There was once a Doctor, named Mad-Man Meticula, who was considered the wisest man the world had ever seen. Doctor Meticula had earned the name “Mad-Man Meticula” for how crazy he was, and also his looks; White coat, frayed gray hair, black science gloves used for science- and glasses. Mad-Man Meticula was known for his glasses. He had a very peculiar pair of spectacles that were strapped around his head and had two Microscopes protruding from were you would normally see regular lenses.

One day, while finishing up his work being a super-genius, Dr. Meticula published something in scientific journal ‘The Reduction Times‘ about the powerful human emotion of Love: In it he claimed that love -the emotional force that poets, protesters and prophets alike all claimed is what held humanity (and the whole universe) together- was nothing but a bunch of chemicals firing in the brain. If that wasn’t enough, he also said that anyone doing or believing anything based in love, was dumb.

Just after it was published, the paper was critically acclaimed by everyone who wanted to feel smart. Scientists who were friends of his threw him a party. And while he was partying, the fabric of the society slowly started to crumble as every news show, blog, and hipster coffee shop was talking about this ‘scientific breakthrough’.

People started using this mans ‘discovery’ as an excuse not to be loyal, chaste, or honorable. In the aftermath, a lot of people cheated, lied, and got their feelings hurt- in the name of science.

Then the people who really believed in love got upset. The Poets sent him several verses about how he was wrong, and begged him to see the glorious shimmering truth and surreptitious beauty of love in the cosmos. They told him that continuing down this deceitful path would make everyone forlorn and morose and… I could go on but you get the picture, poets’ll talk all day if you let them.

Dr. Meticula read through everyone of the letters looking for something solid to critique, but decided to respond to them by taking scissors, and cut up there sentences into a confetti of parts of speech, and mailed them all back to them with a note saying “these were all just a bunch of silly words.”

The Poets, being composed mostly of wimps, got all willy-nilly and spent the rest of their days writing stanzas over being Smitten by Mad-Man Meticula’s Witty Hand of Might.

After the poets were defeated, the hippy protesters quickly chained themselves outside his laboratory and swore that they would starve themselves until he declared that Love was real, and also that Love ruled the whole universe, man.

While Meticula could not get inside, he did not get upset. Instead, he went home, and came back five days later with a full course thanksgiving dinner, placed it on the sidewalk outside his office, and let his dog eat it in front of them. The Meal was so big that the dog didn’t get to finish until three days later, by which time the protesters quit and went to go eat something.

One by one the Doctors enemies were defeated, and to treat himself, he decided to get some fresh air and take a stroll through the park. While strolling through, he witnessed a child playing with plastic toy soldiers. In the midst of the kids joy, after defeating the fictional green army with his stomping feet, the boy shouted “I AM GODZILLA, AND I LOVE DESTROYING ALLL OF THE THINGSS!!!!”

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The park was never the same

Now a normal person would go ‘aw, thats cute,’ or, ‘man, that kid needs help.’ and walk away minding there own business. Not the Doctor. He just could not let this go. Never having dealt with children before, he did not know how much of a mistake this was.

After he went up and told the boy that love was not real, the boy stepped on another soldier and said:

“IS TOO! I CAN FEEL IT! I LOVE DESTROYING STUFF!” the war-torn child started banging on his chest and growling at the toy soldiers like the doctor wasn’t there.

The Doctor replied, bending at this knees to get to the child’s level, poking in with his microscopic glasses to better explain to the boy, “You can feel it in your chest only because you have chemicals in your brain that tell you to feel it. Thats a fact of science, do you take science classes?”

The boy looked at him with an angry face. “Your stoopid!!” the child shouted, and turned away annoyed. He picked up a rock and started smashing it on the toy soldiers.

“It’s not stupid, it’s science!” The Doctor was getting snooty. “It’s a mix of serotonin and dopamine in your medula that make you have these feelings. There is nothing really there but those chemicals in your brain. You play with lego’s, don’t you? Well love is really just a bunch of small chemical blocks, like lego’s-”

And then it happened, he didn’t see it coming ’cause of his goggles were zoomed in so much. The child threw a rock at him and hit him square in the face, and broke his glasses.

Naturally, the Doctor got angry. “HOW DARE YOU!” he erupted, “THAT HURT!”

“What hurt?” said the child, playing with the toys like he did nothing at all.

“The rock you threw at me!”

“That wasn’t a rock,” said the child matter-o-factly, “that was just a bunch of dopabeans in your majoola.

For a second the doctor was mad- how dare this insolent child strike him with a stone!

In the midst of his anger, his brain instinctively tried to come up with a rebuttal- but nothing came out.

This was not normal.

He thought some more- but still nothing.

The Doctor had officially run out of dopabeans.

After the paradox of his beliefs had sunken in, he continued to walk the park with his glasses off, and for the first time saw love in action. A cheesy coincidence of A romantic picnic just a few minutes away, where a couple was twiddling fingers and sharing bites of food. A random bro-hug between two men in a bro-mance parting ways. A father flying a kite with his son. Birds singing songs of love amidst the trees- the whole nine yards. Now that his glasses were off, he could really see what was going on.

He began to postulate that the bonds made between these people formed with this “love” were more than just mere chemical reactions, but were in fact literal and real, and could potentially be as important as any tool or mineral resource (like the rock he’d been hit with), if not more so.

Shortly after, and after much thought, Mad-Man Meticula quit his job, and renounced all of his work in neurology, and moved to the Himalayas to be a monk. And the Godzilla child conquered the toy soldier army for the 5th time that week.

The moral to the story, if there is one, is this: Just because a man who wears fancy pants says something does not mean it can’t be the most stoopidest thing you have ever heard.

Thats right; Stupid, with two O’s.

Oh yeah, and some of life’s biggest problems can be solved by dropping everything you think you know and just acting like a child for a few moments*. So please, before you base any of your decisions off of what someone else says, go outside and play Godzilla for a half an hour and see if it still makes sense afterwords. I guarantee you this will save you a lot of trouble in your life.

*the author does not encourage throwing rocks at strangers**, and does not accept responsibility for anyone throwing said rocks at anyone else.

**unless they really deserved it.

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Francis Bacon- Inventor of Christmas, Modern Science, and Bacon. A true American Hero.

It was the 25th of December, or Christmas morning, and our hero was eating breakfast alone.

He didn’t realize he had the day off until halfway through making his eggs. And in any other scenario, realizing you don’t have to be up at such an ungodly hour in the morning would drive most people back to bed, and wait for everyone else to wake up to open Christmas presents.

Most people would of changed their mind after cooking up three strips of bacon.

So there he sat, all by himself at the table, eating breakfast. From the outside looking in, this would seem kind of dreary. But not to the man eating breakfast. This is because the man eating breakfast was a bit mad, and everything looks interesting to people who are mad. Always

On this particular Christmas morning he was wondering how he became to be so mad. On some days he blamed the weather, on others he blamed the law of parity- (if there was a difference between the two). But on this specific Christmas morning, he decided to blame his third grade science teacher, who was the first person to teach him that temperature was just another word for motion.

In other words, how hot or cold something was depended on how fast the matter was moving.

For example, cold rocks were ‘still’ by most peoples standards. But our hero could only look at a rock and see trillions of clashing atoms that made the appearance of a rock.

This type of thinking, if done frequently, will blow your mind. In fact it could make you mad.

“SLOW DOWN!!” the madman snapped and drew his hand back. He accidentally put his hand on the hot part of his stove when he was cooking.

“How about no,” replied the stove, “Do you want eggs with that bacon or not?”

The madman barked at the stove over from the sink, which was running cold water over his wounded palm. “Don’t be a smart ass,” he fumed “And I suppose I do- But I’m warning you,” he pointed at the stove with his good hand, “you give me anymore trouble and I’m replacing you with one o those induction cook tops!”

An induction cook top isn’t going to save you from being an idiot,” the stove whispered under his breathe.

“What was that?!”

“I said quit being a baby and lets cook some eggs.”

They madman and the stove resolved their conflict. Thankfully he bought a model that covered up his sarcasm and wit with its people skills. Otherwise the madman would be out of a stove, and the stove would be out of a good home.

Temperature was not the only thing his third grade teacher taught him about. The next week she gave a rather life changing lesson about the earth’s revolutions around the sun. This was nothing new to the child, this was something everyone learned when they were growing up. But this teacher decided to be different-

“Did you know that the Earth is rotating” she would remark to her pupils, “at a speed of One Thousand miles per hour?!

All the other children would drop their jaws. “WOW!” they would gasp, “Thats so cool!!”

All the children except the one that would become mad.

SCIENCE!!!

One thousands miles per hour was way. too. fast.

“What else can you teach us?” shouted one of his classmates.

“YEAH! Teach us more!” shouted another.

The child was already scared out of his mind. Paralyzed with fear. Why did learning have to hurt?

And that’s when she dropped the bomb, and disclosed to the whole class that as they thought they were ‘sitting still’, the Earth was orbiting around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour.

That did it, the child snapped. More than just a snap, he screamed at the top of his lungs. Squealed. Bellowed. Boomed. Exclaimed in fear. Most people can’t comprehend such sizes and speeds. But somehow, for a split second, somewhere in the neuro-chemistry of his brain, the child had the day-lights scared out  of him. And he made sure the whole school had heard him. And after everyone gathered their wits, they tried to calm him down.

This worked eventually, but this had struck a deep personal fear in him of motion of any kind that he would not get rid of for years to come, until he was in his mid to late teens.

He was so torn up by this ground shaking event, that year he actually sent a letter to Santa Claus with detailed blueprints on how to bring the Earth to a complete halt so that everything could return to normal, and told him to not bother with giving him any other ‘gifts’ unless it somehow involved his plans.

He didn’t get anything back for weeks, which told him that Santa was doing his job as usual. But On Christmas day he received a personal letter from Santa Claus which read:

Dear Child,

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stop the Earths for you. It’s not ‘normal’, let alone possible. I can understand your fear. Sort of. The world is a big scary place, but let me tell you that the worlds motion is the last thing you need to be afraid of.

I didn’t get you anything else this year because you said not to. And I only did what you said because you were on the Nice List. Have a merry Christmas.

Sincerly,
Santa Claus

P.S.

Thanks for the cookies.

This did not make the child happy, But there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually, he would overcome his fear. After he realized that this was the nature of the universe and there was truly nothing he could do about it, he went off the deep end and kicked it off by flying a small plane, riding a roller coaster, and buying a motorcycle all in the same day.

Every once in a while, though, he thought about how the world was spinning. He didn’t do this to strike fear in himself. Rather he did it because it made things more hilarious.

For example, when a person trips and falls on their face, most people laugh just because its funny all by itself. But i is a scientific fact that its funnier is when someone trips while they are on a moving object, like a treadmillt. The Madman didn’t see a reason not to laugh extra hard when he saw someone trip on normal ground. Cause after all, they were really tripping on a walking ball. Albeit an earth-sized ball. Still, its funny. You should try it some time.

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Spoiler alert: The shoe hits him in the face.

Science was now a coping mechanism. Whenever something bad happened, it was easier to blame science rather than the folly of people. On one Christmas Eve, the madman went road on his bike down a two lane street, and was struck by a car that, for whatever reason, decided to leave its own lane on a two way street, and enter his. He did a front flip over the car and broke his arm landing on the ground. His bike had been totaled, and the car left the scene after they had assessed the situation was not favorable for them or their insurance.

For most people, it was all to reasonable to get mad at the driver of the car. But the Scientist new better.

“What the heck, man?”  he yelled at the ground. He began to get snappy with the Earth, “You know, people tell me to keep it positive and all the crap, but  sometimes its hard not to see how you’re not the source of all of my problems.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally, bud” replied the Earth in a low toned voice, ” I just think it would be safer if you drove cars for a while instead, they’re a lot safer. I mean, it could be worse. You could be dead.”

The madman looked at his arm, which by all appearances, was pretty mangled.

I suppose that’s fair enough” he returned. The Earth was very wise. Maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all.

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“Hey Earth?” he chimed back.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for the catch.”

“Anytime bud.”

One whole Christmas later, the Earth decided to repay him with a Christmas tree full of presents. And Bacon. The madman did not know which one was better yet, he would have to wait for everyone else in the house to wake up and open them. But for the time being, he enjoyed his bacon the most.

Christmas Bacon was for sure the best Bacon, just because it was made on Christmas. And because of that, he was thankful for everything else he had.

The End

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So the same guy who was pretty stoned last time decided he’d get stoned again and read a book, instead of doing what he usually does and looks out at the stars. He picked “The Singularity is Near” by Ray Kurzweil called , and read it for three hours.

This was the longest three hours of his life. He felt like he had progressed a lot,  but he didn’t make it past the first 10 pages of the book. He was to busy tossing around the implications of what he was reading, in between actually reading it. He would read a paragraph, or maybe even a sentence, and stop and ponder until he remembered that he was supposed to be reading.

In the book, there were these charts of how intelligent entities and complex structures become greater in number at an exponential rate. Thats smart persons way of saying the shit grows super fast.  Really fast. And not only that, but you could mark them on a graph, and even make predictions about how fast technology was going to develop within the modern age. And they were just about always right. At least thats what the author said.

If these pictures he was looking at were true, they implied the universe was not meaningless at all, but was super-metaphysically driven to a specific purpose of some kind. Building shit! This manifested in the structures of galaxies, of solar systems, life on planets, and the technology that life created.

This was big news. Soon machines were going to become autonomous from humans and take over the world like they did in the matrix. Destruction would rain down on Earth while an elite class of rich people would travel through space to live on another planet light years away, leaving behind their desolate home world for their machine creations to thrive on what was left.

That’s not exactly what the book said, but that’s what he got out of it. He never did pick that book up again; but on the same token, it made his day job a lot easier to handle knowing that soon, the apocalypse would be here, and he would be in outer space to witness it all.

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Oh look, an atom floating in empty space. I wonder what that looks similar too.

In other news, professors in astronomy still try to scare the living daylights out of their students the first day of class by throwing unbelievably large cosmic numbers at their faces. Students who are realizing that the cosmos has hermetic properties, and that super clusters of galaxies are probably chemical structures for larger (possibly organic) entities remain unphased, and would rather have a professor teaching them that they are cosmonauts- instead of specs of dust.

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Bro, like, get this shit right here. Right here, bro. Listen to me. I’m thinkin like this, yo. They tell us the universe is all big and shit, right? Like, its absolutely huge. So big that we can’t even see the end of it, and its farther than we can hope to travel within a billion-fucking-lifetimes.  That’s like, ten zeroes or somethin like that.

that’s some hardcore shit.

But get this, man. Not only is the universe mind-numbingly enormous, physicists tell us that the visible universe that we can measure is only four percent of the actual universe. Four percent. You know how much that is? Like, where our planets was once a spec of dust floating in a sea, now were like, tiny an electron in a molecule of the dust in that sea. Were billions of times tinier than we already thought we were, which was already really, really, really small to begin with.

But this is my thing, alright. How do they know if its really just 4%? Like, have they weighed and measured the whole entire universe, or just stared at it for a long time? I think, like, were less than 1% of the universe or somethin, you know? And if thats the case, how much stuff do we actually know, aside from the stuff we just think we know, and don’t really know at all?

I mean, check this shit out; we didn’t even discover oxygen till like the late 1700’s. Oxygen, bro! We didn’t know what the damn air was made of until 200 years ago. And years later, we found out the air had a limit, and that was the atmosphere. And THEN we figured out that outside that atmosphere, was literally nothing but empty space. But before all that happened, everyone was walking around and they thought they knew the truth about the atmosphere, and they were all wrong, man!

But bro, my point is like, what if we haven’t discovered ‘oxygen’ yet, in outer space? The “atmosphere” or whatever- ya dig? What if all of our celestial mechanics and shit are all wonky and under constant revision because we are embedded in this cosmic weave that we’re unaware of, and its fucken with are calculations, because we can’t take it into account.

But were also so small compared to the rest of the universe, that the cosmic weave is literally undetectable to us. Like, check it; how many ants do you know that know what a galaxy or a star is? Fuckin none, bro. They just go on there little ant business all day long. They couldn’t know if they wanted to, because they’re to little, they can’t comprehend it. They don’t even know they’re in the milky way galaxy, but they are.

We’re the same, dude! We’re little ants, and we don’t even know it! Our planet is like, an electron in an atom in a molecule in a spec of dust in an office building in some giganto-alien universe!

Shit’s heavy and what not, but I don’t know where I was goin with that. I think i’ma go fetch me some cheetos now.

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One may ask of the man who believes in environmental determination, whether the assertion of such a belief is nothing but the spouting forth of words in patterns  to which he was conditioned by his environment.

-David Bohm

It is the opinion of many educated men that the universe, at its core, is a deterministic entity, with absolutely no wiggle room for chance, banana’s,  or freedom of thought. Everything, ever is the result of a tight knit chain of cause and effect events, and apparent chaos and unpredictability is just the result of ignorance.

There’s a reason people think like this.

People used to think this way because back in the day the kings wanted to rule over everything you did and twisted religious scriptures towards their favor.

“God sees everything” they would tell commoners, “and I speak for him, so if you do a bad thing, you will be PUNISHED!”

But rather than helping control people, the plan backfired, and a lot of people had a lot of sex, engaged in heavy acts of violence and made blasphemous pagan-christian christmas tree crossovers out of pure rebellion.

Amidst all the chaos and confusion, the easter bunny gave birth to the catholic church to help solve all the worlds problems

After which, the Easter bunny was nowhere to be found until the centuries later with the invention of the mall, where he magically reappeared for no reason at all.

But i digress: Skip over roughly a millennium and a holy war later, after most of that unhappy stuff happened: Many men with funny mustaches decided it was no longer healthy to follow the orders of your priest, your politician, or believe in any God. With no one around but the Monty Python sketch comedy group to argue against their points, the world fell into a godless decline were Elvis could shake his hips on television and South Park got away with saying the ‘S’ word over one hundred times over basic cable.

But alas, something was very, very wrong. Somewhere along that timeline, someone realized that with no church or diety, no one was around to hold power over their heads and tell them what to do or go to hell, and they missed that. They needed someone to tell them what to do.

Shortly after Elvis danced on television, a man named Pierre-Simon Laplace wrote a poem, and went like this:

if you knew the initial starting point of every particle in the entire universe, you could hypothetically calculate what was going to happen from then until the end of time- and because you could do that, its safe to assume that everything ever is determined (hypothetically).

How Romantic. And to believe that’s the same poem he used to snag his wife.

Point is, the universe tells you what to do. And even better than that God you had had, you didn’t even have to wait until the next life to have it happen, you were being told what to do right now.

Although to this day no one has scientifically replicated Laplace’s speculations. Ever. In fact, evidence has been shown the  contrary is true- but that hasn’t stopped people from taking their own leap of faith and accepting it as a scientific truth anyway.

But on the same level, most people who aren’t into Laplace find the idea that everything ever, from your neighbor picking his nose, you sneezing last week, and the Vietnam war, was all determined an untold number of years ago, at some “big bang”, is stupid- As they should, because it is.

Many people assume that, aside from determinate and indeterminate events, there is a third party, a quality unconditioned by either side that domesticated primates (humans) call intelligence. Intelligence gives them the ability to learn and perceive what is real from what is not real, and gives them the option to pick out what they want out of the infinite possibilities the world provides them. If we did live in a world were everything was determined, all observations of that fact would be ultimately meaningless. With no third party perspective, how would you even be able to tell whats what? Buddha only knows that the universe could be lying to you.


In a truly deterministic world, not only are all your emotions, biology and actions of every waking second determined- but argument, scientific experiments and logical thought are all results of that exact same process. Everything you ‘see’, ‘believe’, and ‘discover’ was all really pre-ordained 14 billion years ago.

Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. What matters is that you believe it- because you ‘have to’. The logic behind all of this is probably why determinists are so hard to convince otherwise; but at the same time why they are all completely wrong.

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