Posts Tagged ‘zen’

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

-Matthew 18:3

anatomy_brain_neurons_desktop_2560x1920_hd-wallpaper-1104346 (1)

This is Love

There was once a Doctor, named Mad-Man Meticula, who was considered the wisest man the world had ever seen. Doctor Meticula had earned the name “Mad-Man Meticula” for how crazy he was, and also his looks; White coat, frayed gray hair, black science gloves used for science- and glasses. Mad-Man Meticula was known for his glasses. He had a very peculiar pair of spectacles that were strapped around his head and had two Microscopes protruding from were you would normally see regular lenses.

One day, while finishing up his work being a super-genius, Dr. Meticula published something in scientific journal ‘The Reduction Times‘ about the powerful human emotion of Love: In it he claimed that love -the emotional force that poets, protesters and prophets alike all claimed is what held humanity (and the whole universe) together- was nothing but a bunch of chemicals firing in the brain. If that wasn’t enough, he also said that anyone doing or believing anything based in love, was dumb.

Just after it was published, the paper was critically acclaimed by everyone who wanted to feel smart. Scientists who were friends of his threw him a party. And while he was partying, the fabric of the society slowly started to crumble as every news show, blog, and hipster coffee shop was talking about this ‘scientific breakthrough’.

People started using this mans ‘discovery’ as an excuse not to be loyal, chaste, or honorable. In the aftermath, a lot of people cheated, lied, and got their feelings hurt- in the name of science.

Then the people who really believed in love got upset. The Poets sent him several verses about how he was wrong, and begged him to see the glorious shimmering truth and surreptitious beauty of love in the cosmos. They told him that continuing down this deceitful path would make everyone forlorn and morose and… I could go on but you get the picture, poets’ll talk all day if you let them.

Dr. Meticula read through everyone of the letters looking for something solid to critique, but decided to respond to them by taking scissors, and cut up there sentences into a confetti of parts of speech, and mailed them all back to them with a note saying “these were all just a bunch of silly words.”

The Poets, being composed mostly of wimps, got all willy-nilly and spent the rest of their days writing stanzas over being Smitten by Mad-Man Meticula’s Witty Hand of Might.

After the poets were defeated, the hippy protesters quickly chained themselves outside his laboratory and swore that they would starve themselves until he declared that Love was real, and also that Love ruled the whole universe, man.

While Meticula could not get inside, he did not get upset. Instead, he went home, and came back five days later with a full course thanksgiving dinner, placed it on the sidewalk outside his office, and let his dog eat it in front of them. The Meal was so big that the dog didn’t get to finish until three days later, by which time the protesters quit and went to go eat something.

One by one the Doctors enemies were defeated, and to treat himself, he decided to get some fresh air and take a stroll through the park. While strolling through, he witnessed a child playing with plastic toy soldiers. In the midst of the kids joy, after defeating the fictional green army with his stomping feet, the boy shouted “I AM GODZILLA, AND I LOVE DESTROYING ALLL OF THE THINGSS!!!!”


The park was never the same

Now a normal person would go ‘aw, thats cute,’ or, ‘man, that kid needs help.’ and walk away minding there own business. Not the Doctor. He just could not let this go. Never having dealt with children before, he did not know how much of a mistake this was.

After he went up and told the boy that love was not real, the boy stepped on another soldier and said:

“IS TOO! I CAN FEEL IT! I LOVE DESTROYING STUFF!” the war-torn child started banging on his chest and growling at the toy soldiers like the doctor wasn’t there.

The Doctor replied, bending at this knees to get to the child’s level, poking in with his microscopic glasses to better explain to the boy, “You can feel it in your chest only because you have chemicals in your brain that tell you to feel it. Thats a fact of science, do you take science classes?”

The boy looked at him with an angry face. “Your stoopid!!” the child shouted, and turned away annoyed. He picked up a rock and started smashing it on the toy soldiers.

“It’s not stupid, it’s science!” The Doctor was getting snooty. “It’s a mix of serotonin and dopamine in your medula that make you have these feelings. There is nothing really there but those chemicals in your brain. You play with lego’s, don’t you? Well love is really just a bunch of small chemical blocks, like lego’s-”

And then it happened, he didn’t see it coming ’cause of his goggles were zoomed in so much. The child threw a rock at him and hit him square in the face, and broke his glasses.

Naturally, the Doctor got angry. “HOW DARE YOU!” he erupted, “THAT HURT!”

“What hurt?” said the child, playing with the toys like he did nothing at all.

“The rock you threw at me!”

“That wasn’t a rock,” said the child matter-o-factly, “that was just a bunch of dopabeans in your majoola.

For a second the doctor was mad- how dare this insolent child strike him with a stone!

In the midst of his anger, his brain instinctively tried to come up with a rebuttal- but nothing came out.

This was not normal.

He thought some more- but still nothing.

The Doctor had officially run out of dopabeans.

After the paradox of his beliefs had sunken in, he continued to walk the park with his glasses off, and for the first time saw love in action. A cheesy coincidence of A romantic picnic just a few minutes away, where a couple was twiddling fingers and sharing bites of food. A random bro-hug between two men in a bro-mance parting ways. A father flying a kite with his son. Birds singing songs of love amidst the trees- the whole nine yards. Now that his glasses were off, he could really see what was going on.

He began to postulate that the bonds made between these people formed with this “love” were more than just mere chemical reactions, but were in fact literal and real, and could potentially be as important as any tool or mineral resource (like the rock he’d been hit with), if not more so.

Shortly after, and after much thought, Mad-Man Meticula quit his job, and renounced all of his work in neurology, and moved to the Himalayas to be a monk. And the Godzilla child conquered the toy soldier army for the 5th time that week.

The moral to the story, if there is one, is this: Just because a man who wears fancy pants says something does not mean it can’t be the most stoopidest thing you have ever heard.

Thats right; Stupid, with two O’s.

Oh yeah, and some of life’s biggest problems can be solved by dropping everything you think you know and just acting like a child for a few moments*. So please, before you base any of your decisions off of what someone else says, go outside and play Godzilla for a half an hour and see if it still makes sense afterwords. I guarantee you this will save you a lot of trouble in your life.

*the author does not encourage throwing rocks at strangers**, and does not accept responsibility for anyone throwing said rocks at anyone else.

**unless they really deserved it.

Read Full Post »

Today were going to learn how to be a pessimist. Pessimism is unique to domesticated primates, and does not currently exist in any other species known in the universe. If this is your first time studying these creatures, and you don’t know what pessimism is, let me give you a quick definition before we go any further:


A person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy.

There you have it in a simple nutshell. In more general terms, a pessimist is simply someone who thinks that life is all around bad. Rotten to the core. Maybe even not worth living at all. For whatever reason, some domesticated primates believe this so strongly, that they have conditioned there nervous systems day in and day out to see nothing but negativity. Not everyone sees it that way. Others like to think that they are just people who like to make up excuses to be losers or assholes.

The debate about who is right or wrong is a topic for another time. The real meat of the matter, how pessimists actively become and maintain their pessimism, is by following these 4 easy steps.

Step One: Assume the worst of the world.

This right here is key. Whether you know it or not, you train your brain everyday by consciously deciding what to pay attention to. It is now your mission to pay attention to everything that is wrong with the world, and train your brain to pick up all the bad things that are going on in your life.  If you do not assume the worst, when the worst happens, sometimes it may seem like it’ll pass you by.

Remember, you are in the worst position you could ever be in, and you are out to prove it.

Step Two: When the worst happens, you totally saw that coming.

Something bad just happened. This is no surprise to you. You expected as much. But now that it happened, it is time to change your body language to emphasis it to yourself and others. Look down. Slump your shoulders. Talk in a deeper, more melancholic tone. Start whining about other problems from the past, regardless of how relevant they are to your current situation- It should all be relevant simply because this stuff always happens to you.

To some, your negative outlook on life may seem like gritty realism. Do not be fooled, this is just how you have trained your brain to see the world. There is not as much realism behind it as you like to think.

Step Three: When good stuff happens, take it for granted. 

This is also a key step, but it will come more or less naturally when you make a habit of steps one and two. So you don’t necessarily have to make an effort for this one (or anything, for that matter). More and more you will find yourself squashing good opportunities and good events in your life out of cynicism, or maybe even laziness. This will stop you from improving upon your horrible situation with any visible effectiveness; keeping you hopeless and down, just like you’re supposed to be.

Besides, you’re probably anticipating that something bad will happen anyway. This is because it will. Something bad is always guaranteed to happen. This is because the universe oscillates between positive and negative, black and white, and good and bad, all the times. But this fact should be ignored when thinking negatively. The point to being a pessimist is bringing out the negative in life more than the positive, not actually making objective measurements of whats actually there.

Step Four: Lower your standards.

This is not so much a step, as it is rock bottom. You will have lots of these. You may even jump into them willingly. You will come to find that because you keep expecting bad things to happen, more and more you voluntarily participate in them because your brain does not believe there is anything better out there for you. You may also start hanging out with around other primates who do not have your best interest at heart, and doing things that you know may lead to bad consequences for the sake of short term bursts of ecstasy, rather than building things with the goal of long term benefits and success.

At this point, the pessimism will come easy. There doesn’t seem to be anything in your life that isn’t entropy. Things are always being torn down more than they are being built. And depending on how dedicated you are to your bad attitude, some of this destruction may or may not be directly your fault. But even if it is, you have full permission to blame all the world for your problems.

Congratulations! You’re now a pessimist!

See, now that was easy. All’s it takes to be good at being bad at life is doing it yourself, and repeating these four steps over and over. And if you do continue to repeat them, it is guaranteed that you will soon be consumed in a pit of negativity that will affect every aspect of your life.

The side effects of this include festering with guilt, sadness, and regret. And (statistically speaking) your lifespan will now be shortened; your mental and physical health will degrade faster and faster over time; you will also become more prone to disease, and more likely to succumb to fatal effects of terminal illness- and these are just a few of the perks you will receive with your new found attitude and powers of negative foresight.

(Disclaimer: All of these effects may be significantly reversed by polarizing your thought and taking sufficient action in the opposite direction by doing more positive, constructive things with your time and energy.)

*Being a pessimist may or not actually increase the chances of the worst actually happening to you. “The Worst” is a term that varies by definition from person to person. You do not need any bad experiences to be a pessimist, but a usually helps to try and build your resume before you become one.

Read Full Post »